My Bible Journal #1: Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

To such as these. I have a few "these." My children are such a tremendous blessing. Each of them has so many wonderful gifts and talents. Their unique abilities are truly crafted by the hand of a loving Heavenly Father.

These, however, also have the world at work in them. Like all of us, flesh meets spirit, good versus evil. My summer days have been filled with quite a bit of the not so good. I cannot help but think of how I too like the disciples have hindered my children from coming to the King. In my desire to bring correction and discipline, I have become angered and honestly annoyed with my own kids. I have complained of the difficulties of summer and its boredom with 3 varying ages hanging on my sweaty body.

Yet, I have neglected the most important thing. I have read my bible, mostly like a summer novel. I have prayed, mostly out of desperation like, "Lord save me from this insanity." But I haven't pressed in. I haven't truly "COME TO HIM" with my whole being. And in doing so, I have been responsible for the fleshly tone in my home.

I am not saying that I am responsible for my children's every mistake but I feel like I surely haven't been a great example. I have hindered. I have not had a heart full of thankfulness for the special call that is on my kids' lives. My daughter says now she wants to be a children's pastor or a missionary. My son wants to be a pastor. My daughter is filled with zeal and has a tender heart for the lost. My son has an incredible heart of compassion. My youngest is filled with joy for life; a joy that is so contagious it could only be the aroma of Christ. And yet, I spend more time tearing down and pointing out faults than encouraging, building and edifying.

Draw me Lord. Help me to come to you as my own children run to their daddy after work. Help me model a heart after Yours. Help me to point my kids to You. To show them YOU in what I say and what I do. For "your kingdom belongs to such as these."

Shimmy

We will get to the shimmy in a moment, but first I have to say that I am proud of myself. I finished a book. I took my 9 year old to Starbucks with me last night and she sat and read her books and I read mine. We both had iced-lattes. Yep. We start young around here. Anyway, my daughter razzed me a little because she can read like 3 novels to my 1 book. She can read a novel from the time it takes me to get her at school to when we roll into the driveway. I asked her how she does it...she just looked at me from behind her glasses and smiled. She couldn't say or wouldn't say...not sure which. But last night, it didn't matter that I didn't read quick, because honestly I had a lot to soak in.

Okay, so once again, Susanna Aughtmon made me both laugh right out loud and cry. Her latest book, My Bangs Look Good and Other Lies I Tell Myself was so fantastic that it is one of the few books that I can say with all honesty that I finished and because of the conversational style that Susanna writes in, it wasn't difficult to finish. (Sometimes my flesh wanted to put it down because there were some tinges of conviction that arose while reading :) ) Susanna writes in such a way that I just felt like she had pulled up a chair at my table at Starbucks and chatted with me. She both encouraged me and challenged me. She made me want to grow...a sort of iron sharpening iron.

One of the things I love most about this book is Susanna's transparency. See, I am all about keepin' it real and Susanna does just that. It is precisely this raw and candid honesty that makes reading her book so easy. Yet, the funny thing is that Susanna wasn't talking fluff. Her personal stories and struggles so moved me. She challenged me to examine my own heart and ask God to help me exchange any of the enemy's lies that I have been believing with HIS TRUTH. And guess what, I am fixin' to get a bit of freedom here!

So back to the post title "Shimmy." Last week I drove my 3 kids to the D.C. area to visit my sister, a drive that takes 12 hours give or take an extra potty break. More on the trip at a later time. Anyway, when I arrived safely in Virginia, my car began to shimmy at 45 and again at 65. Okay, so I grew up with a dad who fixed most of our car problems so I knew enough to decide this girl needed to take her car to the shop. Long story short, the problem was a broken joint on an axle. My car couldn't run smooth because there was a broken part attached to my wheel.

So where is the connection between the shimmy and Susanna's book? You see, I have a few shimmies in my life, some places where my wheels just won't run smooth. I realized as I was reading that these shimmies are caused by believing the enemy's lies over the freeing power of God's truth. For example, after a long winter of sickness around here and a sick start to spring I began to believe the enemy's lie that God doesn't really hear my prayers...shimmy. Because I began to believe this lie, I found myself getting angry at God and even becoming bitter. But in Susanna's gentle way she reminded me of how attentive and truly poised for hearing our God really is. Here's where the freedom comes. Karate chop the lie and put the truth in its place and guess what? No shimmy.

As a result of reading this book, I have been made aware of some of the causes of my lack of peace. God's word says that knowing truth will make us free. (John 8:32) I am thankful for a friend like Susanna. (Believe me, after reading this book you will feel the same way). She pointed me to the truth that indeed is making us both free little by little! I wish I could just high-five Susanna right now or do cartwheels together or eat a celebratory Dove chocolate bar.

This book is a must have and a must-give-to-every-girlfriend-I have. It is available now at your favorite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Check out her blog at http://www.tiredsupergirl.blogspot.com/. You can purchase her book by clicking here: www.tinyurl.com/goodbangs

Book Review

Hello my family and friends. I just wanted you to please check my blog this week for a special review of the newly released book by Susanna Foth Aughtmon called My Bangs Look Good and Other Lies I Tell Myself.

Once you have read my review, please pass it on! Her first book, All I Need is Jesus and a New Pair of Jeans was fantastic. If you haven't already read it, it is a must read.

Please stay tuned for more information!

All Things New

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "...anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"



I just bought my daughter a new sweatshirt for her birthday. It was so much fun to wash it for her and see her wear it. She looks so very cute in purple. I could tell that she felt good wearing that new sweatshirt. You know that feeling...something fresh just does something to you.



This morning...okay, so really it was about 4:00 this afternoon when I took my shower, I used a new facial wash. I truly was excited to use it as it was new. I wanted to see how it made my skin feel and look. Something about trying something new that just excites me. Ditto for haircuts. A new haircut just makes you feel like a brand new person.



As I looked at that scripture again, that word "new" comes from the Greek word Kainos meaning, recently made or fresh. There is nothing worse than day old bread. Nothing exciting about my old Nike t-shirt I have had since high school. But something that is new and fresh gives us energy. Now when I recognize that He has made me new and I am new everyday I have got something to be excited about. I don't have to rely on facial soap and sweatshirts!



What do I have to do though to keep "feeling" new? Well...nothing really. Because He did the work and made me new, I just have to take that gift and live in it. I get to put it on everyday just like my daughter in her newly washed sweatshirt. The mercy and newness of life is purchased and ready for wear the second my tired eyes open.



This girl is going to start living like she is brand new everyday. Old crusty is out. New is in and it is in to stay. I have got some excitement to let out so pardon me while I go give God a little praise! If you aren't feeling like you need to go give God a little praise...ask Him to "re-new" you! He'll do it and you'll be slapping high fives around the block. I promise!

Random Morning

So far this brilliant Wednesday morning has brought much variety. I woke up earlier than I wanted to but later than I should have. I went out in the Chicago snow to shovel just to wake up. Not much to shovel, but more is coming so I thought I would get a head start.

I made oatmeal for myself. I got a great deal with all my coupons so I have 4 boxes of oatmeal. Unfortunately, no one else in my house enjoys it. So...more oats for me.

The kids got out the door on time. We even sat down and did a devotional. Okay, so I bribed them by saying that they couldn't play the computer of Wii unless they could answer all the questions in the devotional first. Hopefully any amount of the word that I give them will sink in.

I did a 40 minute workout that frustrated the daylights out of me. Some moves that were suppose to be hard were way too easy for me which could only mean one thing: I was doing it wrong. My youngest cried for probably the last 20 minutes while either trying to climb on top of me or pulling my hair. I bribed him with marshmallows.

I tried to get my youngest down for a nap. I ended up taking a shower instead and then finally got him down for a nap.

Oh yeah, before the nap I snacked on pretzels dipped in homemade butter. You know the kind where you shake the jar of whipping cream. I added a bit of salt and shook away. (A carry-over idea from my daughter's Little House on the Prairie party). I ate too much butter but enjoyed every bite. Re consumed every calorie that I burned doing my workout.

I am determined to get a revelation from my bible reading today. I am in Deuteronomy. There is a lot of great stuff in this book and then a lot of stuff that makes me so very glad I live in the here and now.

Well, other things have fought for my attention before my devotions. So, I am going to go and get it done. I am desperate for Jesus today.

Fatigue

I am so thankful that my husband suggested early morning coffee this morning. I think I was the only mom on the planet who did all of my grocery shopping between 10 and midnight last night.

Okay, so there are benefits and trials to be had about going so late to the grocery store. I started at Starbucks 15 minutes before they closed to get my free coffee with an empty Starbucks pound bag. It was just the way I liked it.

Off to the first (yes, I do 3 grocery stores) store. I parked by the door because of the time of day and gathered my list, circulars and coffee. I probably look ridiculous juggling all that I do...but no one else was in the store to see me. So as I got to the door it was locked. Again, because of the time of day only one set of doors was open. I then went on my juggling way to the other door and once inside had to backtrack all the way back to the produce department. I grabbed a cart, which for some reason these days has been a full body endeavor. I have to pull part up with my hands, lean my body into it and get my leg tangled up underneath it and push and pull all at the same time to get the carts separated from each other. Now that I have splashed my coffee and dropped my circulars, I have a cart!

After 45 minutes and 52% savings with lots of coupons I headed to the car. As I drove to my second destination I could hear the melons rolling around in the back. I prayed that the wouldn't be bruised. Especially since I got such a great deal...buy 1 get one FREE! Yipee. I got to the second store which had no doors locked praise God. However, the night time stocking clerks had clogged all of the aisles with their big boxes and palates. I had to park my cart at the end of an aisle, grab my purse, get the items I needed and juggle them (I am getting good at this) back to my cart.


After about an hour in this store, I made it to the only checkout line open at this ridiculous shopping hour and there were 2 people in front of me. Of course the clerk was a night-time stocking clerk and not really a cashier so you can imagine the efficiency and speed at which she scanned groceries. In order to maintain my oh so patient spirit I perused a magazine. Nothing but gossip and air brushed pictures filled the pages. I put the magazine back and tried my best to smile.

After all of my items were properly scanned and bagged (that took an eternity and I had to resist the urge to reach over and help speed up the process) I handed over my pile of coupons. Of course one was not "recognized" so we had to call for backup. No problem. There wasn't anyone waiting behind me as it was going on midnight.

Okay. Finally done. I just couldn't do another store tonight. It will have to wait until tomorrow. However, tomorrow I would have 3 children in tow which presents problems of its own. I got home and put the cold stuff away and was just heading upstairs near 12:30 when my infant decided he didn't want to sleep. Somewhere between the ear infection, molars and a severe diaper rash he found something to cry about.

After rocking, tylenol and lots of tired time he slept again. I pleaded with the Lord to give me until 7 a.m. 6:20 a.m. and the day began all over again.

Daddy was gone until noon and was home long enough for me to have a nap. He left again and arrived home near 7 p.m. I am just plain tired. I have been easily irritated and agitated today. I am ready for bed. I think I need to move up my bedtime to 8:30 p.m. Because as every mom of young kids knows, you never know what tonight may hold.

I am learning endurance. I thought about Paul as I was awake with my infant. He sang songs at midnight in worship before the Lord. I mostly cry and complain about how tired I am. I don't know how Paul did it. But I know why he did it and HE deserves praise even in frustrating, sleep deprived nights.

The Feats of Daily Life

This morning I met my husband at Starbucks for a little mid-morning date. He has a busy day and weekend ahead so we snuck away, with 2 little ones in tow as one is home sick from school, and headed to our favorite spot. Of course, once we got inside there was nowhere to sit. Scratch that. There was one table couched between a couple of businessmen and 2 women engrossed in a serious conversation. I can picture it now, "Excuse me, I know this table here is meant for 2 but my husband and I would like to sit down with our 18 month old and our sick 6 year old to enjoy (not) a quiet (not hardly) cup of coffee (smile). Not going there.

So, we opted for picking out our coffees and heading back to the car. Of course as I asked about what type of drip they had available the employee mumbled, "Something, something, Guatemala." I declined and just asked for Pike Blend. My husband then jokingly said, "My wife doesn't like Guatemala...the country." Of course the employee looked at me and I said, "That's not true." Funny. Ha. Ha. I love my husband's sense of humor. I don't know if the employee was quite as indulgent.

Anyway, I got my coffee fixed up with raw sugar and lots of cream (By the way, nonfat milk ruins a good cup of coffee. Anything but cream should be outlawed). We looked around one last time and headed to the car. Of course my 18 month old wanted to walk so he tries to jump out of my husband's hands while he is balancing his coffee. In the process my son dropped his cookie on the floor and cried when we whisked it away to the trash (Can't quite wrap my mind around the 5 second rule). I grabbed my husband's coffee from him and he wrestled our youngest out the door to the car.

Ahh. Here we go. Now we can enjoy quiet conversation while we sip our way too expensive coffee. Moments into the conversation my youngest alternated between cries for more cookies and grunts that told me I would be getting out of the car shortly with a fresh diaper. (My son is on antibiotics so that means messier diapers for us. Yippee). Okay. Out of the car I went in the balmy 22 degree weather to grab a diaper out of the back. I took my son out of his seat and laid him in the chair next to his. Of course the sun was in his eyes so I had to shut the door and crouch down in the 2 foot square space left when the door was closed. I managed to get the job done and get my son back in his car seat. Hopped back out of the car and threw away the diaper in the outside trash bin and headed back to the front seat.

Once inside I grabbed the purell and then my coffee. My coffee was now lukewarm. Now where were we. We had a few spare minutes to try to chat before my husband had to go. We saw some friends walk by and waved hello from the inside of the van. Of course we explained why we were sitting in the van out site Starbucks. After the goodbye to the friends it was time for my husband to go. What a date.

As I drove away towards Target, my second favorite store, I glanced in the rear view mirror to find my 18 month old fast asleep. Ugh...........How did this happen! I had to change my plans and head back home all while devising a plan in my head of how to get him out of his parka and car seat and how to pry the bag of cheerios out of his hand while keeping him asleep.

Anyone who has attempted to keep a sleeping baby asleep from car to crib knows my pain. It isn't any easy feat. This was going to be my Olympic event today. I got home and motioned to my 6 year old to be quiet. I then opened the door where my youngest was sitting. A large number of Cheerios heralded my arrival. I was able to pry the baggie loose. I got both buckles open. Now the tough part. Getting baby out. Check. We have success. I headed upstairs while trying to devise the plan on the removal of the parka. I quietly unzipped. Waited as he started to stir. Shew. Close call. I then pulled one arm loose. Again I waited. Almost there. I laid him in his crib and cringed. Okay. We are okay. I took a deep breath and pulled his other arm out of his parka. Ta Da! I did it. I tiptoed out.

So far today I enjoyed a date in my mini-van, changed a diaper in tight spaces and kept a sleeping baby asleep. Tomorrow I might climb Mt. Everest.

Febraury 18, 2010

Seems like once a month I get to sit down and spill my thoughts on the tablet that my computer provides. So much is happening right now it seems too overwhelming to write about it all. Someone once said that I used to be funnier. Life just isn't quite as funny to me as it used to be.

Lord, you alone know the deepest parts of my soul. You know my weaknesses and my disappointments and yet you Love me so desperately. You know my tendency to place other gods before you and yet you lead me right back to your loving arms.

You alone have ordained this time and this place for me to be. Help me to know you right here and right now. You have given me three precious children to care for and teach. I feel like I fall so miserably short of what you want from me. I want to be better and yet I know that I can't change myself. The changing will only come from knowing You more. Teach me. Help me to be founded securely on Your love and Your love alone. My desire is to be like that Olive Tree THRIVING in Your house trusting in your loving kindness!

My life has been consumed mostly with the trials of health for my oldest and youngest. Strep throat six times. Surgery to remove tonsils. Ear infections at least six times. Upcoming surgery to put in tubes. Food allergies. Reflux. Sleep problems. Hives. Each has come like waves on the ocean. One after the other with no rest between each blow. I feel disconnected and often times alone.

Oh but during this time, precious Father, You and You alone are proving how genuine and true You are. You will never fail me or leave me. You sympathize with my weakness and don't just judge me for them. You have a love for me that sees who I can be and not just who I am. You ordained this time for me to draw upon you to KNOW YOU IN IT. You are a VERY PRESENT help in times of trouble.

Right now I am struggling just to be IN IT. I want to be out of it. But by your sovereignty you have kept me right here so that I have recognized how desperate I am for you. I love YOU Lord. I am completely and utterly Yours. Thank you for treasuring me when I have felt rejected. Thank you that you are a gentle shepherd. Thank you for beginning to unearth the dead roots so that new life might spring up in its place. Let me be a planting Lord that yields fruit. Little by little. Help me to be patient during your incredible process.

Confessions of a Recovering Germaphobe

January 10, 2010. I left my youngest in the church nursery today. It took three days of prayer to get us there. We are home in one piece with tear stained faces. Smiles have reemerged though. We did it afraid and we have survived to talk about it.

Short and Sweet (and round)

Ok...so I just realized that the quickest way to clean up Cheerios off of, well about anything is to just simply pop them in my mouth. I didn't really realize that I did this until I got a soggy one and gagged. Once I realized that I did it, I am embarrassed to admit that I found myself doing it many times a day. I am a human vacuum cleaner.

Eating cheerios off the floor reminded me of a couple things. First, moms are crazy busy and usually pretty hungry for about anything because they forget to feed themselves (more than leftover hot dog pieces and half consumed Capri Suns!)

Second, and on a more serious note, it reminded me of a scripture in Mark 7, "And he said unto her, Let the children be filled first, for it is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs. But she answered and said to him, Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs under the table eat from the children's crumbs." In this passage Jesus is testing a woman's faith. The woman persistently asked Jesus to heal her daughter. Jesus did heal the daughter because of the woman's faith. "O woman, great is your faith," he says to her. The woman was believing God against many odds including her stature as a Gentile.

Against many odds. I am facing many odds. We all are. They may not be the same odds but we all have them. It is here, where the Cheerios meet the floor. What are we to do when life gives us crumbs?? Will we have great faith or will we complain and declare why me?? Next time I pop a Cheerio in my mouth I think I'll remind myself that my God is able to do more than I can even utter. He takes care of my kids. He feeds me. His rod and staff comfort me. I have nothing to fear. He is the I AM. I have no need of worry or discontent. He know if a sparrow (or Cheerio) falls.

Who knew there was more to a Cheerio than lower cholesterol??

A Simple Smile

I was talking to my sister this morning. I talk to her probably an average of 11 times every day. She is my bff. We laugh at ourselves together and cry together all over the phone line. We haven't lived close to one another since we got married except for 1 long year when my sister's husband was away with the military.

Anyway, my sister was sharing with me about a friend whose son was taken to the hospital with trouble breathing. The doctors didn't know what to make of it. He was pale and losing weight. My sister and I briefly discussed cancer as it seems like every where we turn someone else is diagnosed with something.

No one can seem to figure out exactly why we are experiencing a barrage of disease in our lives. We can guess that it is related to our food and our environment. Yet I have also read books and heard people speak recently about emotions and disease too.

I have heard it over and over that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. So I know that smiling has to be better, yet I find myself doing it less. It seems like it takes more effort to smile. I just get so busy or caught up life.

Well...someone else noticed that I don't seem to smile much. A precious saint of God invited me to lunch yesterday. We chit chatted and enjoyed our meal. As I was leaving she hugged me and said, "You are so beautiful when you smile. I don't see you smile much." I just began to cry for 2 reasons. First, because it was such a sweet thing for her to say and second because I was convicted at the same time.

As her words rang through my mind, I heard my heavenly Father's words through hers. I knew He was telling me to remind my face that He had done a mighty work on my behalf by sending His Son to take on this world for me. I may think I live like it but it wasn't really showing.

I am smiling more today and I have to remind myself to do it a majority of the time. Yet I am believing that as I do, the world will want to know why and boy do I have a story to tell!

Changes

The sun is out today and it is suppose to be so very warm. But remember, I live in Chicago. One step outside reminds me that it may be 70 in someone's car but definately not outside! I love to take walks around my neighborhood, but not when my poor baby boy has to wince every few seconds at the wisps of cold air up his nose.

Alas, spring is coming. Warmer days and truly 70 degree days are on their way! Hooray. Warmth seems to energize and get people going. The sun seems to pull us out of the doldrums of winter. How true with The Son as well.

I renamed my blog today. No more Sara Jane Says. The main reason is that I truly know nothing. I may have some vague ideas about this and that but most of the time I really don't have a clue. And guess what? I'm okay with that...or getting there anyway. I am on a journey to truly let go of everything. I'm not in charge. All I can do is fumble through ONE DAY at a time while depending on the truth of Christ to set me free and the grace of Christ to keep me that way. He says and He is. And when the I AM speaks, I want to gobble up every morsel.

Hopefully my each day will point you to its Creator. I am nothing and He is everything. To God be the glory great things HE HAS done (and will continue to do)!

Just so you know...

Wow...I know. 2 posts in 1 day is just over the top :).

My desire is to use my blog as a journal of sorts to process through my last couple months and perhaps create my very first manuscript. Your comments would be especially helpful over the course of the next few months :)

Thanks to everyone who stops by just to check in. You keep me going! :)

Surprise, Surprise

It has been far too long. I have missed the quiet times of posting on my blog. It has been so long since I have posted that I have been deleted from a few blogger friends blogs :). Alas, I return.

What an incredible almost 5 months it has been. Adding another child to the mix has definitely been overwhelming. When praying for another child, I specifically prayed that the Lord would only bless me with a child if I could handle it (He must know something I don't). There have been times of intense personal struggle during this time but with that comes intense personal growth if we yield to the potter as His clay.

New years bring feelings of being better in one way or another. I could make many long lists of ways that I want to "be better" or "live better." More than that, I just want to know my precious Savior better. I don't want to "box Him in" if I may steal that phrase from one of my favorite Christian singers. He's a big God and I can't wait to experience Him in newer and more and greater ways.

My children continue to be a source of overwhelming joy. (I can hear their daddy reprimanding them right now in the other room :) ) For some reason I think God gives us children just to force us to grow up ourselves! Sometimes I can't believe that I'm the mom and I am responsible for three precious children. Wow. What a responsibility.

I recently was having a discussion with my oldest about where babies come from. I had told her that her daddy was going to have a minor surgery this month so that we wouldn't have any more babies. She asked lots of questions so I began explaining to her that women have eggs. And she looked up at me and said, "I have eggs inside me." I answered her, "Yes, honey. You do." She quickly responded, "Do I just poop them out and they become a baby?" Oh where to go from here. I tried to explain as best as I could without getting too deep for a 7 year old. She just interrupted me and said, "Mom, you could try to explain this to me for hours and I wouldn't understand." Enough said. Thank goodness she didn't really want to know anymore.

My son is asked the other day when he would know when it was time to leave home. He was concerned that he wouldn't know when to go or who to marry. How sweet is that. He was convinced up until then that he could just marry his sister. He still doesn't quite understand. He's okay with that and so am I.

My precious baby reminds me everyday that I don't want my kids to grow up too quickly. I have a lot of growing to do. Too bad I can't make that part happen quickly. I wonder how many times the Lord has to take me around the mountain again because I just am not getting it. I wonder how He remains so patient when I just don't get it. Thank goodness He is. I learn so very slow. I think He's okay with that.

Almost There

I can't believe that my due date is approaching. Technically, I could go into labor tomorrow and be considered full term...hard to fathom. So many changes around the corner!

I took my kids shopping to pick out backpacks and lunchboxes. I always looked forward to back to school shopping. Summers were fun, but the excitement of a new school year was always something I lived for. Something about wearing new clothes and getting new pens that just made me smile.

My kids had fun picking from the latest icons. My daughter chose a popular teeny bopper star while my son settled for Cars stuff. We had a hard time choosing between batman and Cars. I am glad he settled on the tamer one, he made his mommy proud. He handed me the backpack and I asked him if he would like to try it on. He shook his head yes. I proceeded to tighten the straps and then pull it onto his tiny little back. The straps hung to the floor, the pack itself at least to his knees. There he stood with a ball cap on and the cutest dimples ever smiling from ear to ear. I couldn't help it, I began to weep. I melted into a puddle on the floor of Target and just had a good cry. I don't even blame pregnancy hormones, it was just a moment of a mom not wanting to let go of her little one.

My mind has been reflecting since of whether or not I have prepared my son for the world of school. Did I play enough with him when he was home. Did I equip him with the tools he needed to be successful as a student. Suddenly the weight of motherhood overwhelms me.

When I think of what happened in the family of Steven Curtis Chapman and how perspective is so important, I get convicted. Was it necessary that we, "HURRY UP!!" or does mommy really have to do everything herself just for the sake of being "quicker!" The tender sweet times with my 2 oldest children are changing. They still need their mom, but they also need their independence and they need to begin to fly on their own. I'm just not ready and am hardly convinced that I did my best when they were home with me all the time. Could I have done better?

My eyes well with tears as I type this. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for every single one of our lives. Sometimes I wonder if being a mother is the only plan for my life. I have bucked against this idea so many times demanding that God had another ministry for me. I feel like I constantly sought Him for this other ministry and perhaps overlooked the ministry that He so graciously gave me with my 2 older children. With a third on the way there is hope that I could "do it better." But how do I let go of the regrets that I carry now?

I know that God never intends for us to handle things on our own. I was just reading a bible story to my kids tonight that reminded me of this. The story was about Joshua and Caleb and their scouting trip to the promised land. They saw the bounty and beauty of the land and the other scouts fixed their eyes on the problems. God rewarded Joshua and Caleb for fixing their gaze on God and His ability to accomplish things for us while he punished those who tried to figure things out for themselves. I couldn't help but think of which camp I find myself in most often.

We were just faced again today with a situation that can't be reasoned through with human understanding. I have ideas of how my husband and I can fix the problem but really my ideas won't get us very far. No, my ideas will only land us 40 years in a desert where we would eventually call it quits. God wants us to see Him and His enormity. I am not sure how He can take what I have done as a mother and use it for His glory, but I am not going to doubt that He is able. He can fill in where I neglected and fix what I botched. He can also help me to become so completely depended upon Him that it happens without thinking.

If motherhood is the only ministry that God gives me on this earth I so desperately long for Him to say, "Well done." I know he doesn't expect perfection. Sometimes I feel like motherhood fits on me like that big old backpack on my son, it just seems too big and I feel so small. "But God." That's all that I hang my hope on. I love my children so desperately and I so desire to be the mommy they need and deserve. Help me Lord to lay down my own selfish ambitions and simply seek You and Your plans for everyday. Each day with my kids is treasure. Overwhelm me with that fact Lord, in the tough moments and frustrating moments. Overwhelm me with you. I mean over the top Lord. I can't stand to have just a little of You. This little girl needs a great Big Daddy to take her hand so that she can take the hands of her precious gems and lead them straight to you.

Like any other day

Today began like any other day. A trip to the bathroom at 1:00 a.m. Nothing new for this pregnant girl. Then awakened again at 3 a.m. this time by my seven year old daughter. She has been sleeping a lot like a 2 year old these days. I can't figure it out. She woke again at 4:30 a.m. and then was up for good at 6:30 a.m. Let me just be honest, I laid in my bed for the longest time having panic attacks. Guess what? A newborn is joining our family in a few short weeks and will sleep like, well, a newborn.

My nights of uninterrupted sleep are over. I managed to get downstairs to feed the kids breakfast. I had given my daughter ibuprofen at the 4:30 a.m. wake up call because I discovered that she had a fever. I couldn't give her any more medicine yet and she was miserable. Her head hurt and her belly hurt. Okay, Dr. Mom goes into evaluation mode trying to figure out the who, what, where of the virus. Who has she been around? What were her symptoms? Where was I going to take her today?

We made it through breakfast. My children had remembered that I purchased a pool the day before to play with in the back yard. Despite her fever and ailments, my daughter was desperate to play in the pool. I got out a mini electric pump and went to work on blowing up all 6 air compartments. Thank goodness for the pump, I would have passed out trying to squeeze the nozzle while blowing slow breaths with all my might. Every 2 seconds I would have to tell my kids to stop touching the pool. They would run around it, try to step on it, try to jump in it. Good grief. "Go play please," I said. "We are playing!" They replied. Of course.

After we got the pool blown up, I had to convince the kids that we couldn't go in it right away. I tried to tell them that the water would be too cold and that we would have to let the sun warm up the water. We took the pool in the back yard and it was like trying to keep bees from soda. "Stop touching the pool!" I wailed. I would try to put the hose in and one of the kids would insist on helping by moving the hose which inevitably resulted in me getting wet. "Ugh!"

I told my kids they had to earn time in the pool by doing some workbook pages. They were quite compliant. I figured it was a great way to kill an hour. I helped my daughter with test prep, writing and math. I helped my son with the letter "C" and with counting. Speaking of counting, each minute was counted until we could get our suits on and go outside.

I took the kids upstairs and put their suits on. Both kids have bad sunburns from the weekend at the neighbor's pool. I had to argue with both of them to get them to wear t-shirts over their suits. "Does mine look dumb?" my daughter asked. "Do we care?" I replied. My son complained that his shirt would get wet. "Ugh!" Once we got outside in the pool after a spray with sunscreen, (another exciting 10 minutes) my son declares, "My shirt is sticking to me like glue." I gave no reply.

Several minutes into the playing my daughter had to go potty. In we came. Grass brushed off the feet, I just mopped yesterday, and into the bathroom. Shirt off. Suit off. Suit on. Shirt on. Wash hands. Back outside. I sat down for a few minutes hoping to read. Not so. I began having contractions. Baby boy doesn't like heat. Inside I went. That didn't go over very well. I had to explain that I was watching from the inside.

Screaming about bugs in the pools came. Screams about towels being dropped in the pool came. Complaints about being cold came. More potty breaks came. Yet through it all, there was a lot of laughter between my son and daughter.

After eating lunch outside, I brought the kids in to shower. I cleaned up the kids, cleaned up the pool and tried to rest. My son was not having anything to do with that. My daughter put herself down for a 2 hour nap (at 7 that is impressive). She woke up happier. I was struggling with my attitude all day long. I did a workout video during my daughter's nap and then showered myself. I took my kids to the library to return some books that were due today.

My daughter's fever climbed to 103. She was miserable which in turn made me not so happy. My son fell asleep in the car. When we arrived at the library I was taking on my cell phone, listening to my daughter tell me how miserable she felt, trying to figure out how to hold 25 library books with my cell phone and wake my 5 year old who was in a deep sleep in his car seat. I hung up my cell phone, woke my son, dropped some library books, picked up some library books and made it to the book return.

25 books clogged the return slot. The door would not close. I put my arm inside at which time my daughter lectured me telling me that the sign said not to put your hand in the slot. I managed to get the books down far enough to close the slot and we went inside to pick out a few more books.

Once again at home I made dinner fit for a camping family and then settled on the couch with my still ailing daughter and husband and son. We watched a show together and then my husband put the kids to bed. I headed out to buy more Tylenol, Motrin and 7-up for the headache, sore throat, upset tummy that my daughter has. My guess is Strep but time will tell.

I am exhausted. I can count on not sleeping well tonight. Yet, I will try. Through this normal day as a mom between whines, food prep and laundry folding the Lord reminded me that "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." So many times when I read the verse in Isaiah that talks about our strength being renewed as we wait on Him I focused on the "waiting on Him" part. That's not a bad thing, but God just showed me that He gives me His strength as I wait. So many times I get frustrated waiting and check out all my circumstances and get overwhelmed. Then I lose the victory completely. Tonight, I just began to praise God for the strength rising. I kept saying it over and over. I prayed it. I sang it. I believed it. My circumstances haven't changed, but my strength has been renewed.

Thank you Lord for your strength. As I expect it to come when I commit every detail to you, I know I won't be disappointed. Help me to sleep, Lord. Help me to wake up refreshed for a new day that probably won't be unlike today. I am a mom, and this day is just one among many...many opportunities that is to bless the little blessings that God so amazingly entrusted me with.

Updates

How could June be mostly over? How could our one summer vacation be over and done with except for a few stray pieces of luggage? How could summer be going so fast and yet some days seem to be filled with endless boredom?

Since my last post I have been madly trying to get things together for our precious new son that will arrive sometime in the next 6 to 10 weeks. Hard to believe except for my bulging tummy and ankles for that matter. It amazes me how much more expensive baby things seem to be...I guess along with everything else...gas, food, etc. God has been gracious and has given us wisdom on what to buy and what to live without.

My daughter recently cut 10 inches off her hair to donate for locks of love. My son got a cute haircut too...I had to convince him that he couldn't grow his out to donate. Cute. Cute. I am so blessed with great kids. I am overwhelmed by this fact constantly it seems.

I have decided to go green in several areas of our lives. We have always cleaned with green products which I love. The kids can help me and I don't worry about them breathing chemicals. I have found a natural makeup line that seems to be agreeing with my skin so far. And, drum roll please, we are exploring the possibility of cloth diapering. I am impressed with what is available and am thrilled at how much better the diapers are for baby and the environment. Just in case you are worried about me and being eco-conscious, I want to put you at ease in that I am still shaving my legs and have no plans to quit wearing deodorant any time soon. Again, as in any other areas of our lives, moderation is the key.

I am finding myself more introspective these days, thinking through the days and weeks to come. I am thankful during this time that my God is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I am so thankful for His intimate friendship. I have had so many questions during this time of transition for our family. I am just glad I know that He is rock that won't falter that won't leave that won't judge me.

That is about it for today. Lord, thank you for this day you have given me. Help me to find joy in each moment and most of all to recognize how close you are to little old me. Thank you that you care, you provide, you see, you know all and you never give up on me.

Non sun burn

Okay, so I know and remember the constant night waking with being pregnant. I have to pee at least once a night. But last night when I woke up I felt like my face was on fire. For some reason it did not bother me at 3 in the morning. I just went pee and went back to bed. It takes me like 5 minutes to resettle and get my pillows just right so I don't roll over on my back like I am not suppose to. Then I have to adjust pillows so my neck doesn't get a kink. Then, it seems like baby decides to do the flip flops or kung fu. Ugh. Preparation for the sleepless nights to come :).

Anyway, when I got up finally this morning I glanced in the mirror as I went by. Not only was my face on fire but it itched and was like crab red. We are not talking like cute pink been in my garden for the afternoon but like an "Oh my goodness what happened to that lady" red. Upon further inspection, the places that were red not only itched but were swollen. Holy cow. I didn't sign up for this!

I had decided that because I was out of the facial cleanser that I had been using that I would try another that had the "NEW" label on it. I have said before that I am a sucker when it comes to trying new things. If I don't try it I will never know if it was a miracle product that might put all my others to shame and do things that I never knew were possible with skincare. So, I couldn't just buy the new cleanser, I had to do the whole line...cleanser, toner and moisturizer. Now it was very apparent to me that I was possibly allergic to one of the ingredients in one of the items. Okay, very deathly allergic.

My husband woke up and he said, "It looks like your face has some sort of chemical burn." Okay, I had just spent the last 10 minutes inspecting my face in the mirror trying to convince myself that in more natural light it couldn't possibly be as bad as I thought. I guessed wrong. I tried washing my face gently and that only made it itch. I took a shower, same story.

My husband has said to me again and again, "Why do you switch products. Why don't you stick with what works. I don't understand you." So back to the store I went to buy the old tried-and-true cleanser (which happens to be an extra gentle cleanser). I don't really know what I was thinking. I was eager to just give something new a try and was sure my skin could handle it. Let me tell you, the walk back to what really works is a long walk back...you can guess where I am going.

The spiritual implication that I can make is simple: Mess with fire and you are going to get burned. Stick with the truth and you won't be disappointed (or itchy and swollen!).

What does it look like?

Okay, so today I going to test the comment part of my blog...I know that I am not always good at commenting on blogs myself, but I am curious about the opinions of you moms out there.

What does being a "good" mom look like to you? Do you feel like you are a "good" mom? What characteristic do you find yourself lacking if any?

Here goes my sharing: I have battled the good mom syndrome for as long as I have had kids. I thought that a good mom spent her whole day at her children's beck and call. Now after 7 years, reality has set in. I do my best to be there for my kids but let's face it, when you are pregnant and have 2 kids already, sometimes it is all you can do to meet one need for the day.

I felt like my mom was a good mom and I don't really remember her being there every moment to entertain me. She worked all my growing up years and I spent a better part of the day with my grandparents. I still think that the time she invested was sufficient.

When I have the proper perspective, i.e. a Godly one, I feel like I am a good mom. Knowing that good can mean different things for different moms, I feel free. I am the best mom for my kids and I know that God gave them to me with this understanding. I know I am not perfect and I don't always make Godly choices in my mothering, but I feel like I am good mom to my kids. (This is written in a moment of confidence!)

I feel like sometimes I lack the nurturing spirit that I have seen in other moms. Sometimes my creativity and motherly instincts are not always in me. Sometimes I feel like I have to dig deep and find that inner mom :) if that makes any sense to anyone.

I have read way too many articles on mothering and perhaps way too many books. My heart's cry of late has been that God would show me where I need to grow as a mom that pleases Him and that, He says, is "very good."

I'd like to follow up this post with a response to your comments....if anyone is out there???

Family

I just love mine, first of all. What a blessing and a treasure I have in each one...even the one in my womb!

My morning consisted of waking up to my son coughing. I knew that he was coming down with something and the wake up call was just a reminder. With all of the hullabaloo about cough medicines I have opted to try more natural means of cough control (i.e. nothing). He slept well so God gets the glory for that one.

He came downstairs and played computer for awhile. He amazes me at his age (5) with his abilities to play on the computer. I try to limit his time. Try is the operative word here. How much is too much? At one point he called for fruit snacks. I didn't come so he called again more agitated. I started to grab some when he specified, "Spongebob, not just the fruity ones." Of course I had grabbed the fruity and had to go back to exchange them for the Spongebob ones. I served him his fruit snacks and he continued to play happily.

I managed to get it together enough to make it to the grocery store. I had a tighter budget this week so I was shopping the bargains. This week we will dine on tacos and homemade macaroni. Thanks to the Plainfield Chamber of Commerce lady who stopped by with some coupons for free pizzas at Pappa Murphy's before I left for the store! Sounds healthy eh? I actually called my mom from the grocery store because I felt guilty about the health of my meals. She quickly and confidently responded, "Do you pray over your meals?" Of course I responded, "yes." She then asked me, "Don't you think that our God is big enough to nourish your family with the food that you provide for them?" Again, a confident "yes" from me. She reminded me that God sees my heart and my grocery budget and is not limited by either. We serve a big God.

How refreshing it is to call on a mom to let you off the hook. We moms need to stick together. In a world that tries to dictate what is good or not for our kids we need God's wisdom, Godly counsel and Godly moms to help us along the way. This parenting stuff is daunting. Fruit snacks or raisins? Computer or none? How much? Organic or whole grain or both? Supplements or not? Vaccinate or not? The barrage of things we face daily is pretty incredible. All I know is that I do my best and God does the rest. His part is pretty big because I know my best isn't much. Something about filthy rags is ringing in my head right now. If you are a mom that needs to hear it, and I think most of us do, repeat this out loud several times, "I am a great mom and Christ enables me to take great care of my family." Sometimes I feel like this world tries to rob me of the confidence that I need to make it through each day. Today, I am combating that with battle on my knees and a loud proclamation that God enables me to be the best mom that I can be. No matter what my mothering looks like to anyone else, I will be confident!

Moms, don't be afraid to step out and seek encouragement like I did today. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone...audibly! If we wallow in our feelings of inadequacy or feelings of being overwhelmed the only one who wins is the enemy. Step out and make a call. On God first and then on another mom who can tell you that you are doing awesome and that you can make it. And best yet, when relying on God and Godly counsel your kids are going to turn out okay~!