Fumble #3

Who know where these fumbles are going...but it is fun to spread the news of my imperfections, especially since my blog is called Sara Jane Says and really what I know is very little. (I am an extremely good pretender though!)

Onwards. Fumble #3 is Blaming my lack of having it together on my kids. Ouch. This morning I woke up to my husband asking me if I was going to get up. In female that sounds a lot like "You are being lazy. Get out of bed." Not how I anticipated this day starting. Now, I confess, I asked him to help me get up earlier. Big mistake, ladies. Huge. If you are anything like me, morning is a very fragile time. I remember growing up that my family never talked to me in the morning until after I had eaten my cereal. Enough said. I got up and read my bible. After that, I looked at the clock and turned it into high-gear (i.e. crazy mom on the loose mode). I made my daughter's sandwich and then heard her yelling "Mommy!!! Mommy!!!" I muttered to my husband, "Why can't she get out of bed and come down stairs when she is awake? Why must she scream?"

She made it down stairs with her sweet daddy's help. I promptly kissed her, set her in her chair and handed her a doughnut in one swift manner. I added her vitamins to her plate to compensate for the quick, non-nutritional, powdery mess that we called breakfast this morning. Moments later my son sneaked up on me with a big smile on his face. I greeted him with a kiss and set him up with the same quality breakfast that his sister had. I supplied them with a wet washcloth to clean their hands from all of the powder. I quickly ran upstairs to hop in the shower.

By the time I made it out of the shower my husband was running out the door. He was running late and so was I. Then it hit me. Ugh. I was suppose to get my daughter an empty pringles can for a project and I did not. So high gear turned into "you-better-watch-out-here-she-comes" mode. I got dressed, threw on makeup and my kids appeared before me arguing. Not uncommon these days. I told them to quit arguing and go get on the clothes that I had pulled out for them. I continued getting ready and then checked on the progress of dressing. My daughter had on her pants and no shirt and was cuddled in bed. My son still had on his pajamas. I told them (with a more stern tone) "Please get dressed." I dried my hair and called them into the bathroom to brush teeth. I had to wait for my son because his "toes were too cold to brush his teeth." He needed socks. I told him the socks were in the hamper in my room. Did I confess that I am horrible with laundry?? He found some socks and of course has to put them on just so. I resisted the urge to grab the socks and stick them on. My daughter finished her teeth brushing. I asked her how she wanted her hair, "Pony tail, flip tail or braid?" She responded, "I want sports braids where you can't see the holder." I retorted, "We don't have time for that and I don't even know what it is." She said, "I will go get my book and show you." I responded, "We don't have time. Pony tail, flip tail or braid?" She responded, "Sports braids." UGH!!! Finally I said, "You are getting a pony tail. I don't have time for this." I sent her downstairs.

I got her brother's teeth brushed and sent him downstairs only to hear the two of them arguing over who got to sit on what step. I threw some socks down to my daughter and asked her to put them on and asked my son to put on his shoes. I brushed my teeth and headed down to put on my shoes. My daughter had on no socks and my son was back upstairs. The wheels were coming off the wagon. "I told you to put on your socks!! Where is your brother??" My son came downstairs with a huge pile of books under his arm. To my amazement he made it down the stairs without dropping them. My daughter began to cry, "I can't do this!!" My six year old had not even tried to put on her socks but insisted that she was unable. I remember muttering something about her 4 year old brother being able to do it. Then I said, "No pringles can." My daughter began to cry and said, "Fine. Then I am not going to school." I replied, "Okay." Not the best response, I know. Remember, this is a fumble.

I convinced my daughter to get in the car and then she said something along the lines of "Fine then!" and crossed her arms. I replied with, "You are grounded." Without skipping a beat she asked, "From what?" I replied, "From anything fun." My son looked at me and asked, "From like toys and books and stuff?" I was not prepared to answer so many questions about a punishment that I thought would simply just spark a little bit of respect from my daughter. My plan backfired. We were on our way to school with me asking my daughter why she talks back to me yet she behaves beautifully at school? I did pull into CVS to buy some pringles and as we pulled into the spot my daughter just said a quiet, "Thank you mommy."

That quiet answer melted my heart. I knew she was sorry. We bought the pringles and on the way out to the car I got down at eye level with my daughter and said, "I love you. Let's have a good morning." I set the tone for my home. I realized that it was not my daughter's fault that I had not gotten the pringles can the night before. She had told me right after school yesterday that she needed it. It was not her fault that I did not get up earlier. It was not her fault that I neglected to pray. Ouch. Fumble. If I had been responsible, I might have dealt with my daughter's whining and complaining in a better manner. Don't get me wrong, it is not okay for her to whine. Then again, it is not okay for me either.

Fumble #2

Hoping everyone will approve of the mothering choices I make. Simply, the only opinion I need to worry about is my heavenly daddy's. My daughter at age 6 is already concerned about what others around her think. I am overwhelmed by this. Now, she should care what mamma thinks, but it is funny, mamma can tell her what she thinks about her poor behavior and my daughter, again at age 6, has the amazing ability to completely tune me out! She needs to learn to listen to mom and I need to learn to listen more closely to God. I need to model this so well to my precious, tender daughter too. What this world thinks of us does not matter and won't matter when I am standing before the King!! I am only accountable to Him....well and my husband. But no one else!

Speaking of my husband, a bit off the subject but noteworthy nonetheless...we took a family trip today to Trader Joe's. Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I love this store. Healthy food at reasonable prices and reasonable coffee for free when you shop. How could you go wrong?? Tonight was particularly fun because they were playing some great 80s music. Again, those of you who know me, know that it is bad to be in a public place with my husband when 80s music is playing. Why? Because he turns into a complete lunatic. He lip syncs and throws his hands in the air like he is at a rock concert; an 80s rock concert! My kids absolutely love this behavior and in fact encourage it. So tonight, I turn around in a very crowded Trader Joe's to see my husband dancing, yes Dad Cook, you read it right...dancing in the aisle with my 4 year old son head banging and my daughter dancing and giggling like only she can. Then my husband yells, "Come on. Everybody now." I looked up and behold, a complete stranger had joined in the dancing. Good grief. What to do but join in. We really are a bunch of fools. But I would not have it any other way.

Fumble #1

#1: Saying yes when I should say no. (Please don't say I told you so.) I have tried to be super mom and there ain't nothin' super about my underclothes anymore! Let me explain. I used to have Superwoman underoos when I was a kid. The underwear and camisole turned me super human. At least they made me look super human and that boosted my ego. My $18 push up bra and 5 pack of Hanes briefs just don't seem to have the same effect. Besides the obvious 25 plus years and having 2 kids, my "underoos" these days don't make me feel so super. Neither does missing God.

I pray and I ask the Lord to direct my steps. Yet sometimes I feel like following a pillar of fire would be easier than discerning a yes, no or wait from a still, small voice. I constantly question was that me or was that God? Was that from Him or was that idea from the chocolate I ate before bed last night. I get it right sometimes. I get it wrong a lot. I get frustrated trying to figure it all out a lot. I seek and ask for wisdom and sometimes its as though I get more confused. I can't really figure this out and probably never will. What I do know today is that yesterday I thought it was a yes. I said yes. Today, I feel as no would have been a better choice because the yes was really not best. Confused?? Me too.

I'm a mom, a pastor's wife and a girl who fumbles and bumbles through this life just trying to hear from God and do my best without the help of my underoos. Sometimes my best is pathetic at most. Today, I have decided that what it seems like or what it looks like to me really doesn't matter. I am on a journey towards God to figure out how to get into His Presence and "park it," as my mom would say, for good. I long to find that hemmed in place where I can encounter Jesus face to face. A relationship where there are no questions of what was said because it will be understood.

God help me. That's all I can pray here. Sometimes I say yes thinking that is right. Sometimes I say no with a regret. As I continue on in my walk, help me to hear you. Teach me what it is to do this thing together. Show me how to walk in your truth. Guide me each moment by the power of your Holy Spirit. Remove the wax from my spiritual ears and help me develop listening skills. Thank you Lord that you don't give up. You don't give me up. I fail so often and yet you remain. I am not deserving of your grace and yet you hold it out so tenderly. Thank you precious Father. Let us begin again. In your most Holy name, Amen.

Somebody needs it

I just want to send out a blanket encouragement...I know that someone needs it. Simply: DON'T GIVE UP. You are going to make it. Keep your shoulders squared up with the Holy God who dances over you with joy. He will never fail you. He knows what He is doing. All He asks is that you cooperate. Don't try to get out of the tight grip that He has on you. What He is doing in you is worth the wait. Be still, calm, quieted to the depths of who you are and know that HE is God! The mountains seem high at the base but when you see the geography from above it is no match for the creator of the world. Step by step in His presence you will make it. Celebrate for you have already been given the victory. Live like it. Enjoy the process. You are a darling of the Most Glorious King!

Armed

How precious it was to me yesterday to witness the depths of my daughter's heart. I got some terrible news that my brother-in-law, her uncle, got a call to go to Iraq. This was unexpected as my sister and her family had not anticipated over seas duty for another six months and this duty was not suppose to take him to the dangerous parts of Iraq. So, I shared this with my daughter as we sat together at Panera Bread. By the way, I love to spend one on one time with both of my kids. If you don't do this...do. My daughter, without skipping a beat said, "Let's pray." She folded her hands, bowed her head and began a prayer, "Lord Jesus, please protect my Uncle from injury. Please do not let him die. I pray that he would put on the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the gospel shoes of peace, that he would take up the sword of the spirit and the shield of faith. In Jesus name, amen." She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes and smiled at me and said, "That's the armor of God, isn't it??" She asked as though she had prayed the wrong prayer. Tears streamed down my cheek as I said, "Your prayer was perfect, honey." And really, it was. It doesn't matter how my brother-in-law arms himself for the physical battle, his commander in chief doesn't live in a home made with human hands. His Champion arms him with all the weapons he needs to make it in this life. Glory hallelujah.

Deep Breath

I am holding on to the scripture that says "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou are with me!" (From Psalm 23). I'm not really near death although sometimes I think that a newborn's cry could put you quite close.

I am watching a 5 1/2 month old little boy who is a precious gem. He is a chubby, strong-willed boy that is quite, how to put this, blessed with a lot of doting and attention. The trouble is...I can dote but I also have a 4 and 6 year old who need my attention. I can't get this little guy to take consistent naps for the life of me. I discovered today the true meaning of the word hysterical. If I could have video-taped the cry he produced (it really was a PRODUCTION!!) when I put him in his bed for a nap I probably could have made good money selling it to Webster's online dictionary under the "hysterical" entry. Good night! You would have thought that the sky was falling. So what to do? He doesn't want to be rocked in my arms or set down to settle. He is tired and needs a nap but wants nothing to do with sleeping. He is even disliking his car seat on rides. Usually that would soothe...not so for him. My son said to me, "Mommy, I don't yike his crying." Amen brother. I don't either.

I can get advice but really this situation calls for my superhero. If my God can raise Jesus from the dead and says that kind of power is available to me - open up the floodgates. Precious Lord, you knew these circumstances before they came. You walk with me through the valley. You hold every answer, every ounce of patience I need and you have shown me compassion so that I might be compassionate. Thank you for all you have done and ALL YOU ARE YET TO DO. I look forward to the blog that will document an answer to this prayer! Amen and Amen!!

Screaming Banchees and 2 Crockpots

Today was a holiday. A day off work for my husband and a day off of school for my kids. Because of the holiday, I promised my daughter that I would sleep over in her room last night. We slept on an air mattress together. She fell right to sleep. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. My son of course had to join us. He kept trying to roll over me. He thinks its funny to make a "num, num, num" sound when he is fake sleeping. For some reason my nerves couldn't handle all the num, num, nums. He got moved to his own bed. I love it that he doesn't wake up when I move him.

Ahh. More room for me. I finally drifted off to sleep until I heard a scream. I bolted out of the air-mattress, which if you have ever tried to do is like trying to balance on a row boat. I stumbled a bit but found my bearings. I figured out where my daughter's table was with my big tow. Still in a stupor and with a throbbing appendage I raced to my son's room. He was fast asleep. I raced to my bedroom, stopping abruptly to tip toe around something in the hall, it was a shadow, only to find my husband snoring. Must have been a screaming banchee. I quietly walked back to my daughter's room trying to convince myself that it was still great fun to have a sleep over with her. I rolled back into bed which is really more like a raft I think. Why do they put ridges in something that is suppose to be a portable bed. What a dumb idea. As if ridges are going to make you forget that you are sleeping on the floor on something that moves when you do and makes a horrible grunt when you roll. And why is it that my hip or shoulder always feel like I was mashing them against a brick wall all night when I wake up?? Maybe it would be more comfortable if I were floating on it in a pool! Anyway, I "snuggled in" only to find that the pills on the sheet bothered me. I began to feel really bad as this was the bed and the sheet set that I give to my in laws when they come. Sorry guys, it wasn't meant to be this uncomfortable! I did manage to forget about the scratchy sheets and my daughter's snores. Finally, I slept.

Until I was blasted awake with a blow to the face! I sat straight up only to find that it was my daughter's foot that had kicked me right in the lip. What in the world? How is it that she moves so much in her sleep. I didn't have to think too long to remember her daddy, my breaching whale. He has mastered the art of raising up and turning over in one thunderous movement. I on the other hand have finally mastered the art of not waking while this is taking place. I immediately felt my lip get fat and began to swallow my saliva quickly to determine whether or not there was blood. While I was doing this, I caught her foot headed my way again and gently placed it aside. I tried to move her back to the normal head-on-the-pillow sleeping position only to have her move and settle in an unnatural ready-to-kick-mom position once again.

I rolled over and placed my back to my daughter in order to insure my safety. I had a very hard time going back to sleep between my toe pain and fat lip. By the time I settled, my daughter woke up ready to start her day. Shortly after, my son came in and had a very puzzled look on his face. He began to scream and cry about wanting to sleep on the air mattress with us and demanded to know who moved him. I tried to reason with him, telling him he was actually blessed with a safe place to sleep in his own bed. The only way I could get him to stop crying was to convince him to go wake up his daddy.

I slowly made my way to the espresso machine hoping to boost my alertness. We decided to go shopping on this holiday. We found a coupon for a great cooking store. I had just been given a new slow cooker cook book. I headed out to find a bigger crock pot. After lots of whines about why we had to go into this store, coupled with my daughter telling me she was close to death because of her thirst, we made it to the crock pots. The one I wanted was $50 but I settled on one for $30 that was at least larger than the one I had. After making it back home I pulled out my old crock pot and guess what? The new one was exactly the same size. Time for more espresso. Now that I think about it, stay-at-home moms probably keep Starbucks in business! Good grief.

My toe still hurts. I am tired from the unsettled night of screaming banshees and kickboxing daughters. I'm frustrated that now I have 2 crock pots that are too small for all my new recipes. But I'm thankful for the holiday and that I can spend it unwinding from my long night.

What's Your Spin

As a mom I feel like I have been, correction, I have learned to put a positive spin on most anything. My daughter was convinced this morning that her hair-do made her look like a boy or made her look bald. Huh?? She left with my husband crying, (she was crying...not my husband :) ) convinced that kids would laugh at her. Now for your information I just braided her hair this morning. Then I tied the braids together with a cute flower barrette. I even took a mirror to show her the pretty barrette. Yet she still left crying. "Kids are going to laugh at me. I'm nervous." I told her she looked absolutely beautiful and promised her that her teacher would think the same.

As I prayed this morning, I felt the Lord impressing on me something. We can really "spin" our circumstances in any light to people. Here is what I mean: If my daughter goes into her class today saying to her friends, "I look bald," I can almost bet that her friends would agree or say, "Yeah, I see what you mean." But if my daughter instead went into her class with confidence and said, "Don't you love what I've done with my hair today. It is unique," she might have gotten a "Wow. I like your hair," comment instead.

I spoke to a couple people yesterday about a situation and spun it very negatively each time I spoke about it. Should I be surprised that I was many times affirmed in my negativity, "Oh yes. That does sound bad." I wonder what would have happened if I approached this sharing in a "God is so good. He is helping me with this. I am doing well by His grace." I doubt that any friend would retort, "It is not as good as you think, friend. You should be upset because what you are going through is hard."

My heartfelt prayer and earnest desire today is that God would give me a positive, firm confidence. I want to approach life with a contagious "God is good" attitude regardless of my circumstances. If I want positivity I need to sew it. If I want truth in feedback I need to sew seeds of THE truth. I can do all things through Christ. I am going to walk with assurance the path before me and allow HIM to be my guide not my emotions. Forgive me Lord for valuing others opinions over your infallible word.

Dear Diary

My mom wouldn't ever let me have a diary when I was growing up. She didn't like the idea of me having secrets. I thought it was lame at the time. I am all grown up now and I think the idea of a diary is great. My blog is a diary! So today, I thought that I would just diary my day from start until now...

4:30 a.m.: First alarm goes off. I push snooze. I contemplate getting out of bed.

4:50 a.m.: Second alarm goes off across the room. I have to get out of bed to turn it off. I am smart to do this I think.

4:51 a.m.: I tiptoe in the bathroom and attempt for the second day in a row to put in my contacts via nightlight in the bathroom. I spent lots of time pressing my finger to my eye sure that the contact was placed. I put my finger in the case again. Pressed finger to eye. Nope. No contact. Finally, I found the contact only to have it fold on my finger. I held it as close to the nightlight as I could to try and figure out which way to pull it to get it flat. Success. Contacts in.

4:53 a.m.: I tiptoe downstairs to read my bible. Reading Holiness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

5:20 a.m.: Pray in kitchen. Pacing back and forth keeps me awake.

5:40 a.m.: Tiptoe upstairs to get on workout clothes. Without lights, my sports bra is hard to find in my drawer. I found a swimsuit, a tank top and then finally a sports bra.

5:41 a.m.: Jog in place workout video.

6:10 a.m.: Husband up and joins me downstairs. Lunch made for daughter: sandwich, goldfish, peeled orange, 2 cookies, banana and cheese for a snack. Juice and icepack added too.

6:15 a.m.: Hop in shower.

6:45 a.m.: Son and daughter awake. Son dressed. Daughter dressed and hair done. Breakfast prepared.

7:15 a.m.: 5 1/2 month old arrives to be babysat.

7:30 a.m.: Kids teeth brushed with baby watching.

7:50 a.m.: Kids shoes on and put in car. 2 trips with all baby stuff and school stuff.

8:00 a.m.: Depart for school. By the way, husband left at 7:40 a.m.

8:17 a.m.: Arrive at school. Daughter decides she is too scared to walk in by herself.

8:21 a.m.: Baby in stroller. Daughter with backpack on. Son asking lots of questions. Head into school.

8:25 a.m.: Daughter to her class. Couldn't get backpack open. Had to have teacher help her. Blew her a kiss.

8:27 a.m.: Walk to coffee shop in church with baby and son. Purchase cookie. Son refuses to walk and eat at same time. Wait for son to finish cookie.

8:35 a.m.: Walk back to car to go home.

9:00 a.m.: Home. Take baby and son for walk around the block.

9:20 a.m.: Play with baby and son.

10:20 a.m.: Put baby down for nap. Play with son. Read several pages in textbook for school.

11:20 a.m.: Baby awake. Change baby. Feed baby bottle.

11:45 a.m.: Baby in exersaucer. Make son lunch.

12:00 p.m.: I have been up for about 7 hours. Make myself lunch.

12:15 p.m.: Take son and baby outside for fresh air.

12:35 p.m.: Friend stops by to drop off some makeup I ordered.

1:00 p.m.: Friend leaves.

1:45 p.m.: Baby's mom arrives to get baby.

2:00 p.m.: Play with son and relax for a few minutes.

2:40 p.m.: Leave to get daughter from school.

3:10 p.m.: Daughter tired. Mommy tired.

3:15 p.m.: Drive to daddy's office.

3:20 p.m.: Daddy drives mommy, daughter and son to Starbucks for a special treat.

4:00 p.m.: Home with daughter and son. Clothes changed. Few phone calls made while son and daughter play.

4:45 p.m.: Husband home. Take walk with family.

4:50 p.m.: Short walk. Kids fought too much.

5:00 p.m.: Started dinner.

5:45 p.m.: Dinner ready. Dinner eaten. Dishes washed.

6:15 p.m.: Outside to play beanbag game with family.

7:00 p.m.: Neighbor comes over to borrow suitcase.

7:10 p.m.: Kids brought in to take shower.

7:20 p.m.: Break taken. Read several pages in textbook.

8:00 p.m.: Husband put kids to bed. Runs to store.

8:20 p.m.: Husband home with new foot bath for mommy.

8:23 p.m.: Mommy writes blog. Mommy wants to cry.

8:25 p.m.: Mommy wants to go enjoy foot bath. Husband is telling me my foot bath water is going to get cold. Good night.

Skirts Up

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog some pictures of her family visiting a wax museum. The museum was filled with replicas of famous people. One of the pictures was my friend's daughter standing next to Marilyn Monroe in that well known "skirt-flying-up" pose. I don't know the story behind that whole deal as it is a bit before my time, but of course I know of the picture!

Anyway, I thought of that picture this morning as I read a passage in Genesis. Rachel and Leah are fleeing with their husband Jacob and Rachel had stolen her father's idols before they fled. Her father catches up to them and in a long speech he reprimands them for stealing his idols. Jacob is unaware that Rachel had stolen them and had them hidden under her skirt. When being searched for the idols Rachel says to her father, "Please sir, forgive me if I don't get up for you. I'm having my monthly period" (Genesis 31:35). Ha! What an excuse!

Besides Rachel's cunning lie, I was intrigued with why Rachel stole her father's idols. Maybe this is obvious to you, but I found myself convinced that Rachel believed in her heart that just in case Jacob's "God" didn't pull through, she had a contingency plan. She had doubt in her heart. She didn't know Jacob's God as he knew Him. "Just in case we get in a bind, daddy's 'gods' could help us out" is what I see her thinking.

The application here to me, is what "contingency plan" do I have hidden up my sleeve or skirt as it were? Just in case God doesn't come through, I will strive. Or just in case things don't work out I will make a plan of my own. Just in case I'll just sit on this one.

With Almighty God we don't need a contingency plan. He is the "All Sufficient" God. The God who told Abram, "I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers" Genesis 17:1-2). God Almighty doesn't fail, doesn't fall short, doesn't need help, never sleeps, never changes and never leaves. Wow. Do you know this God? Do you know Him intimately?

Search my heart oh God. Reveal any idols that I have hiding in my garments. Help me to abandon any other gods and cling to the One True God. Goodness and mercy, righteousness, peace and joy unspeakable become my companions when I turn and embrace fully, with no inhibitions, the one TRUE God! I love you Lord. Be my everything today.

Questions my kids have asked this week

My son: "When is this world going to close?"

My daughter: "What is the special thing that mommies and daddies do to have a baby?"

Somtimes I find that as a mom it is best to just repeat the question and say either, "Mommy doesn't know the answer to that" or "Daddy is a better person to ask about that." After all, my kids were talking a week ago about the 9 foot deep pool. My daughter said to my son, "Only my daddy can stand in that water." "Yep," my son replied, "Only daddy can reach." Daddy is pretty incredible.

Simple Favorites

Today I revert back to telling you about one of my favorite things. I have craved and given into...(drum roll please)...pickles! (No, I'm not pregnant). My favorite, hands down is Claussen Kosher Dill spears. Now, I once made the mistake of asking my husband if "Kosher" meant that the pope prayed over the food. He quickly retorted, half laughing, "You mean the Catholic Pope?" Duh. Sometimes I think that I should give things in my head a bit more time to process before I actually share them...this would probably save me a lot of grief. But then again, my husband would not have the enjoyment of laughing!

Anyway, these pickles are awesome. Sour, but not too sour. They crunch when you bite them and they top of any Chicago dog better than any pickle I have found. For some reason I have a new found love affair with Chicago dogs. Lots of people assume that I am a health food nut...which is partially true, but I eat junk too. That, as I have said before, is a balanced diet. Chicago dog on an organic whole grain bun with organic chips followed by antioxidant rich dark chocolate. Balanced perfectly in my mind.

So, if you have a hankering for pickles, head to the refrigerated section at your market and pick Claussen Kosher Dill Spears. Remember, the pope didn't pray over them...but I could if you like. Lord, bless these pickles as they have blessed me!!

Moving On

Today I just had a bit of trouble getting up out of bed. Ever had a day like that?? Of course, I have an incentive in that my 4 year old insists on poking as his method of waking me. The poking doesn't stop until my feet hit the floor. Well, let me back up, I think for some reason I have inadvertently trained my children to walk to their dad's side of the bed in the early morning. I don't mind and he doesn't either. He should get dad of the year award!! The problem with my kids going to my husband's side of the bed is that I am the one who ends up sleeping in quite by accident.

I am trying to get up out of bed earlier, again, to read my bible and exercise. For whatever reason, it always ends up that I only have time for one. But this morning, my husband helped me to get up. I read my bible AND exercised. After I had done so, I had this feeling come over me, almost a heaviness. I felt really sad and overwhelmed. I actually just stopped in my tracks and analyzed what was going on?? God would not make me feel this way. So, through a process of elimination the only one left was the enemy. He is never happy when I am. He is never thrilled when I spend quality time in God's word or when I do something healthy. The enemy is sneaky.

I am thankful and even overwhelmed at the love of God today. I am so thankful for the power of the Holy Spirit. Because, in that moment, I encouraged myself. I told myself to put my trust, my focus, my thoughts on the Lord. You can guess what happened!! That feeling left as soon as it had come. I moved on. I made a choice not to take on those feelings of sadness or heaviness and they couldn't stay on me.

Yeah God! Thank you that you give strength to the weak! I am thankful for a scripture that I read this morning, "For God is working in you , giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him" Philippians 2:13. God not only gives me the power to overcome but He blesses me with the DESIRE to obey. We don't have to muster up the desire to do right!!! He gives us that desire!! Thank you Lord that you meet all of our needs right down to the very depths of each heart!

One other thing that I am overwhelmed with today is the absolute necessity of praying and interceding for each other! I can think of a couple of friends who are going through tough stuff. Guess what my friends?? Be encouraged today. Your sister in the Lord is lifting you up. Believing when you can't and cheering for you when you feel like you want to quit. Won't you take on the task of praying for those closest to you today?!!

Blessed

It's early Sunday morning. My son awoke shortly after 6 a.m. He had been awake about midnight because he had to go potty. This has become a regular thing for my little angel. He is trying so hard to make it through the night with dry pants. Despite the middle of the night urges, I am so proud of him.

I took my bible and my devotional outside into the sunshine. It was warm but a cool breeze made it comfortable. My neighbor came out and we exchanged greetings. I decided to serve my kids breakfast outside. I prepared everything and then herded my little lambs out to the table. Of course my son needed his sun glasses. So upstairs I went to rummage through baskets of toys in search of his sun glasses. I knew if he had some that my daughter would need some too. So even though I had victory in finding one pair I really needed two. I succeeded and headed back outside. How wonderful to enjoy waffles and cold vanilla milk on the patio. This wonderful feeling lasted for about 2 minutes. Then the whining started. Things like, "It is burning out here" or "I don't want vanilla milk, it's too yucky" filled the air. I managed to get my kids fed and then we came back inside.

I enjoy being in the sunshine. I rather agree with cats, that in the sun is the best place to nap. Living in the spirit is a lot like walking in the sunshine; it is the most wonderful place to be. But I can't help but make the connection between my kids' whining and the tendency of our flesh to crave something more "comfortable." A devotional I read challenged me to come up higher, to leave the low life behind. What does this mean for you today?? My prayer is that God will illuminate those things in me that hinder, those sins that easily entangle. I want the sun to be comfortable and the shade to be the place that I desire to leave quickly.

As I sit here and look at the precious gifts I have in my children, even though they don't enjoy the patio like their mom, I am overwhelmed with God's blessing. I have a home. I have a wonderful, loving husband and I enjoy great health. Thank you Lord for all of the blessings in my life. Help me to keep my focus on the "haves" and to set aside the "have nots." Help me to keep my eyes on the Source and my feet on the path in the sun. As the temperature rises, quietly remind me that you refine and sanctify me because you love me enough to cause me to grow! You are amazing God.

Tennis Lessons

This evening, my husband and I decided that it would be fun to go play tennis. My growing up years we would play tennis every day of the summer. I remember going to play tennis in the evenings with my parents. We would always go get ice cream afterwards. I loved every minute of it.

Naturally, I thought that my children would be the same. Well, let me tell you exactly how it all went down:

First, my husband had to go driving around to the neighbors that we knew to find an extra tennis racquet. We had 2 plus a racket ball racket that one of the kids could use. 20 minutes later, he had success. He stopped at the store to grab some balls. He came home to get me and we all headed to the tennis courts which are about 2.4 minutes away from our house. Once in the car the kids whined about what movie they wanted on in the car while dad sternly said "no" and mumbled under his breath that the TVs needed to be removed from the car. I agreed.

We got to the tennis courts that were quite full. We wanted to find a whole row of courts that were free so that we didn't disturb anyone because we knew that it would be messy. We found 2 courts together and settled for that. We got out of the car with everyone carrying their racquets and with their excited smiles on. Once on the court, my husband gave the kids some tips while I went to take the cover off of my racket. The zipper would not pull and I looked at the zipper more closely. The zipper had a greenish fur growing on it. It was actually corroded shut. I pulled the zipper seam and it came open with a puff of dust. I laughed out loud, "It really has been a while since we played tennis." 7 years to be exact.

By this time, my daughter started crying saying, "I can't do it" all while pulling away from my husband who was getting upset at her while she was flailing about. My husband gave up and grabbed his racquet to get it out of the cover. Guess what? His was corroded shut too. We laughed and I said, "I know how to get it open, just pull the seams." It did not work. My husband tried to pry it with his keys. At this point my kids were both crying in frustration. My son was actually down on the ground and my daughter was still flailing. I could tell that my husband was trying to use his aggravation to his advantage in trying to rip the vinyl cover. It probably would have felt good to him rip vinyl about now since the kids were getting more and more frustrated and cried louder and louder. I actually began to laugh out loud which didn't help I found.

My husband handed me the case because he needed to quiet down my daughter. At this point my son came running over to grab a ball, tripped over his sandal and landed on his head. He began to scream, I threw the racket and scooped him up. He had a big red goose egg in the middle of his forehead. I carried him to my husband who just didn't seem to have any words at that moment. I kissed my son's head and suggested that we go home. One thing about my husband is that he does not give up easily. What a guy.

So, I picked up my husband's racquet again and I suggested that my husband pull one side of the zipper as I pulled the other. So here we are with my children wailing and mommy and daddy playing tug of war with a tennis racquet. My husband had one leg back and both hands pulling one side while I was in a lunge position myself pulling at the other quarter inch of fabric. No luck. Finally after all our muscles were tensed and fatigued, I tried ripping the zipper with the keys. A slow but successful process. My husband was then able to spread the rip as he pulled with all his might...victory. The tennis racquet was free, the cover now trash.

We proceeded to try to give our kids some pointers with our racquets and each moment grew more frustrating for all of us. I ran to shag balls a lot. My son cried a lot. My husband tried not to yell a lot. After several minutes and with sunset approaching, the kids were instructed to sit on the side and watch. "I don't want to" echoed through the courts. "You can get balls for us," I said, "Mommy and daddy want to play now." The kids continued to cry while my husband and I tried to start playing. My husband took this time to tell me that a neighbor had offered to watch the kids while we played. But no. We decided on family fun!

The first ball went into the court next to us. Then the second. After the third apology to the players next to us I was just ready to call it quits. The man next to us actually said, "Don't worry about it." Followed by, much to my disbelief, "Your kids are so cute." Are you joking me?? I knew that he had to have witnessed the last 20 minutes of tears, tempers, trips and tug-of-wars. I replied sheepishly, "Thank you. This family time has not quite been what we had planned."

My husband and I did manage to get in a set. I lost miserably...mostly due to my errors, not his skill (kidding of course). I found myself a bit teary eyed as I remembered the fun playing tennis I had as a kid. Or maybe the tears came because my kids were hating what I so wanted them to enjoy.

We're home now and the kids are in bed. We survived but we have a new rule. The words, "I can't do it" and "It's too hard" are to be considered swear words. These words will result in mouths being washed out with soap. I told my kids "We can do all things through Christ" and "Nothing is impossible with God." Of course this doesn't mean that my kids will be champion tennis players or perfect at everything they try. But I am just finding more and more that my problems as an adult are rooted in the attitudes of "I can't do it" or "It's just too hard." My prayer for my family is that we all live life through the power of the spirit not relying on the flesh. Our lives apart from Christ are like the disheveled tennis match we experienced tonight as a family. Something rings true about weeping and gnashing of teeth!

So many lessons are found in our night of fun. I could go on and on. But I think tonight I will leave my soap box and go spend some MORE quality time with my husband. I was reminded tonight of times earlier in our marriage on the tennis courts. I was reminded of how much I love my husband. Thank you Lord tonight for my family. I truly consider myself blessed. It took a man outside my chaos tonight to remind my that I have precious kids. Even when I have to kind of look beyond the tantrums to see it!

New Glasses

Wow, what a beginning to the week. My sister came in town with her family on Sunday. I spent the Sabbath day cleaning, forgive me Lord, and preparing for her arrival. My children were very excited to see their cousins. I had prayed that everything would go smoothly and that we would all enjoy our time together as it was going to be awhile before we were all together again.

What happened? I wondered again about my prayer for health and the events that followed. Just hours before the much anticipated arrival my son's eyes looked a little weepy. Any mother can spot a fevery child from a mile away. I felt his head and then proceeded to take his temperature. A good old 102. Wow. Okay, what to do now?? I gave Tylenol and put my son down for his nap. He woke up with a lower fever and a lot of grumpiness.

My sister and her family arrived and my son's fever began to spike again. I don't know any mom who wants her kids around sick kids...especially when you are moving cross country with no doctor available as in the case of my sister. I did my best to keep my son to himself, much to my disappointment as my son had looked so forward to playing with his cousins.

We made it through Sunday, sort of. I woke up in the middle of the night with a very irritated eye. My eye was so blood shot that I was sure that it was pink eye. Great, another very contagious virus to try to contain. I wondered "Why now Lord??" Thoughts of my trip to Washington flooded my mind as I thought of how miserable it is to be sick when trying to absorb time with loved ones. I put drops in my eyes and we tried to head out to do something fun. My son was so miserable and pale that it was not much fun dragging him around. I was also forced to wear my glasses that were 7 or 8 years old. My prescription has changed several times since then as have the fashion trends. Needless to say, I felt awkward with my glasses and frustrated from the whole ordeal.

When we got home, I ended up using my brother-in-law's flashlight to look at my son's throat. The whole thing was covered with blisters. I decided that I should take my son to the doctor. So off I went in my glasses to the doctor. My son had a coxsackie virus...translation: a virus you never want your kids to get because it is miserable and highly contagious. I headed home and stopped off to get Popsicles to ease my son's pain. Meanwhile, my eyes ached ferociously and teared at the sun. Again, "Lord, why now?"

My sister and her family left the next morning. I ended up in the doctor's office myself. The doctor said I had come in the nick of time...the infection I had was in both eyes and just about ready to invade my cornea in one eye (i.e. not good!). I got a prescription and headed home to recuperate.

That is what I am tired of. Recuperating after a time that is suppose to be energizing. I don't understand why it seems that I can pray for one thing and the OPPOSITE seems to happen. Much needed rest and relaxation has instead been more stress, frustration and draining at best. Where does one go from here?

I went to Lenscrafters and got new glasses yesterday. I have to wear glasses until the middle of next week. I have a wedding to go to this weekend, with my new glasses and a new norm. They hurt my nose and are cumbersome but the alternative is impossible. Working out is out of the question as it is no fun to sweat with glasses on. My husband suggested a sports strap for glasses, thanks, but no thanks honey.

The Lord recently showed me that He is transplanting me from the soil that I have been rooted in, into the fertile soil of His love. This process seems like it would be all roses, right?? This transplant is a lot like my new glasses. They help me to see better than the ones I was trying to wear. They look measurable better. But the problem is that it is uncomfortable and different. Then end result is worth it: rested eyes and clear vision, but the process feels unnatural since I was so used to my contacts or old glasses. God's love is the best place to be rooted, but if you have been growing somewhere else for a long period of time, it takes diligence and flat out surrender to "remain in His love." God says in Psalm 52 that when we are rooted in His love we will be like "An Olive Tree, thriving in the house of the Lord." The Olive Tree is a long living tree and a tree that doesn't just get by, but THRIVES. My old glasses may have gotten me by, but my new glasses will get me through to the other side.

There is so much I don't understand about our God. I have so many "why" questions. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to know everything in advance, to have time to mentally prepare. God constantly reminds me that His ways are higher than mine. My plans are from a temporal perspective. It is overwhelming for me to sometimes get to a point where I am okay with that. I want the steady Love of God to help me with my small perspective on the circumstances of life. Someday, I belive by faith that I will be able to look back from a different place and have peace about all my yesterdays. For now, I am just a newly planted flower, needing water and lots of sun.

Second Day of Summer

The first day of summer was started early. Breakfast together was enjoyable. The plans for the day were made early. Even with a little burp in the weather, the day was great. We went to a free zoo with some great friends and just had a ball. What would follow fun like that better than a bagel from Panera??

Today, not quite as exciting. We all ate breakfast in shifts as Dad left early and my oldest slept the latest she ever has...8:05!! Wow!! Well, she woke happy. She looked happy. That was all a great disguise. Asking my daughter to clear her breakfast dishes turned into a three ring circus. For some reason it seemed as though I asked her to scale the Empire State Building with no rope. Good grief. With much coxing and a miraculous amount of patience on my part (THANK YOU, LORD!!!!) we made it through that challenge.

By the time we ate and cleaned up we were looking for some activity to ward off the "I'm bored" syndrome. We decided on stencils. This lasted about 20 minutes. I checked the website of local bookstore that said that they had story time at 10:30 on Tuesdays. Perfect. We had 10 minutes. I put my hair in a pony tail and changed into some presentable clothes. I blushed my cheeks, lined my eyes and brushed my teeth. I threw some clothes to my daughter who once again acted as though I had asked her to do the impossible. Good grief. After more tears and me combing my daughter's hair in front of me while we walked to the car, we were off. We raced to the back of the store right on time. On time for what? I asked a nearby employee if Story Time would be late today? He replied, "Story time is on Wednesdays." I restrained my desire to tell them to update their website because I know others are often frustrated with me for not updating mine!!! :)

Back home for lunch is what we decided. After a few fights at the table I had to get out my Attitude Adjuster 3000. (My new Dustbuster). I gave both my kids a good cleaning and we all laughed. Then each of them came up with a machine of their own. My daughter had a Hug-O-Matic that gave a hug every time someone talked. As I type this I am so thankful for a God who revealed His glory through this tired and weary stay-at-home mom. He gave me supernatural patience and creativity and joy in the midst of frustrating circumstances. I love what I read this morning in Isaiah 40:29, "He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless," and I am living proof.

I want to see God. Today I have. I watched for Him and I have witnessed His love in my life today. Have I doubted it. Yes, sometimes. Have I rejected it? Yes, sometimes. I love what Isaiah 30:27 says too, "...how can you say that the LORD does not see your troubles?...Have you never heard?" Have we never heard? I think my translation of this statement would be, "DUH!" My bible is filled with a God who sees. He sees us even when we don't see Him. God showed me that he saw my troubles today when he gave me patience and joy in what could have been the worst day of summer but instead it has become a stepping stone towards tomorrow to see what God will do next!

What do you see?

I love the children's book "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?" by Eric Carle. It is a great book about perspective. I enjoyed a conversation about perspective that my kids had today. We were driving to a park and they were talking about the shapes that they saw in the clouds. "I see a rabbit," one would say. "I see a bear," the other would say. Then my son said, "I see God. See His head right there...and there is his body!!" He continued, "Look mom, over there!" I could not quite see what he saw as God or His body. I just thought it was so awesome that my son was looking up to the sky expecting to see all sorts of wonderful things in the clouds and in the process he experienced what he thought was God.

Shortly after that moment, I began to pray to myself. I have been struggling with the same issue for quite some time now. I quietly whispered, "God, what am I missing. What can't I see in this?" The answer came as quickly and quietly as my whisper, "Me," I heard. "You're missing me." It wasn't that I was not seeing God. My problem was occurring and reoccurring and worsening because the God that I was seeing was more like a shape in the clouds. I felt like in that moment God was asking me to experience the fullness of Him in all that He is. Of course, as God would have it, the song that came on was about coming face to face with God. That has been my prayer as long as I can remember. "I want to see your face God. I want to know you so intimately." I feel like God has been telling me that the God that I've been seeing isn't him at all. I have been defining Him through earthly limitations and a jaded earthly perspective that has been made so distorted by my fleshly hurt.

Lord, my prayer today is that I would begin to see the real you through the clouds of what I have made you to be. Your word says that You are all I need. You are our strength. Help me to encounter the true God in all of Your glory and all of Your splendor. Help me to open my heart and allow the True God to shed His love in my heart. Change my perspective with one touch of your mighty and gently hand. I do love you, Lord. Help me though to love as you love, without inhibition.

Field Day

Today was field day for my daughter's school. Kindergartners through 5th graders were throwing frisbees, jumping rope and playing leap frog. We had a blast. I had a few moments to speak to my daughter's teacher out on the field. My daughter won an award in her class called the Timothy award. The teacher reiterated what an amazing award it was. The students all vote for 1 student in their class who most exemplifies Christ. WOW! Somebody asked me how a girl could win an award like that with parents like us?!! My thoughts exactly! I cried as I drove home today. I feel like I fall short in so many ways as a parent. How could I actually take any responsibility for my daughter acting like Christ when she doesn't always see her mommy acting like Christ?!! The answer?? GOD'S AMAZING GRACE!!!!

The other thing I realized while talking to my daughter's teacher is that we need to pray about every thought that comes to our minds. I have had a thought come into my mind over and over again and I did not know whether or not it was God. I mentioned the thought to my daughter's teacher. Her response was actually the opposite of what I was expecting her to say.

For so many years of my life I have done things as I thought others would approve of. I have found myself faced with some new decisions that I am praying through and my response to these issues is probably going to go against what some in my life would approve of. How difficult it seems some times to swim upstream. I got the pleasure of watching Salmon swim upstream in Bellingham, Washington where we used to live. It was an amazing thing to watch and a beautiful thing all at the same time. Those salmon never gave up jumping upstream. In fact some actually travel up to 1,000 miles upstream to spawn!! Their whole life cycle would be interrupted if they decided just to swim around in a cozy spot for their whole lives!! It is no different with us, other than the obvious swimming upstream to spawn :)! We can choose to swim around in a comfy spot or we can head out into the deep upstream in order to see God do amazing things through us.

I think we all come to spots along the road where we can decide to mature or remain the same. My prayer is that I will keep my focus on Elohim, the amazing creative God, who created me in His image!! and prepared things in advance for me to walk in. I want to walk the path He has intended, not the road most travelled. Robert Frost in his famous poem said that he "took the [road] less travelled by/ And that has made all the difference." Some people think the road less travelled is a bad thing. Not so. It is the brave thing.

Inside Out

Another month gone by. A good friend of mine encouraged me to post on my blog. My prayer is that it will be more frequent. It is so easy to let time slip by. Amazing how we can look back over a week and see large bits of time we wished that we would have used more wisely. My intentions seem to be in the right place...but my actions don't seem to follow through. God bless Paul for telling me that I'm not the only one.

So, friend, here is where I am right now. I am going to follow through with sharing what is on my mind. Allowing my page to be my canvas I will paint the picture of my heart:

I am finding myself frustrated right now. I seem to see a trend in my life that I don't like. It is right along this theme of following through. I have glimpsed, perhaps for the first time in my life, that when things get hard I quit. I fold. I throw in the towel. It could be parenting. It could be relationships. It could be a job. I seem to see this common thread rearing its ugly head like a snake in the grass.

Lately, relationships have been hard for me. Circumstances have been such that I would rather keep to myself than try to put myself out there to make new friends. Perhaps its because I have been burned too many times. Perhaps its because I am tired of investing and having friends move away :) (NO GUILT ATTACHED HERE to my friends who have or are moving away!!!) New friendships among women I think are far to exhausting. I sometimes feel like I head back to high school. The "I have to impress" mentality creeps in. That's it. I give up. Too hard.

Then there is my part-time business. I desire to succeed. I am a smart girl. I love the product. But it is hard work putting yourself out there at the risk of being rejected or being offensive. Not wanting to impose on some one's time becomes a major obstacle to reaching out. Being shy becomes the mask that I hide behind and the excuse behind the lack of sales. Too hard. I won't succeed. No one does in these sorts of things. Just quit, it's a waste of time.

Parenting. Here, you can't quit...or can you? Problems come. Discipline issues arise. Emotional issues flare. Tiredness creeps in. So what does this worn-out mom to do??? Quit. Emotionally I disconnect. I hand the baton to my husband. I check out, blaming my own inability. You can quit parenting even when you still have kids!

Becoming a parent. Miscarriage happens. Try again? Too hard. It involves emotion. Reasoning consumes the brain. Why did this happen? What are the options? Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not a good mom. Maybe my body can't handle it. Maybe the finances are too tight. That's okay. I quit. Easier to avoid pain then to go through it, right??

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! So where from here? I can't help but think of my laundry as I write this. I weary of laundry. I will let you in on a secret. Sometimes I don't even bother to turn a shirt or two right-side-out. I just fold it like it is. Too time consuming to pull the sleeves through and lay it flat, why not just fold it like it is? I find that when I am in a hurry I pull out one of my daughter's shirts that is inside out. Then I have to take the time in THAT moment to pull it right side out. So one could deal with it before or deal with it now, but nonetheless the clothes have to be turned right side out to be worn. Issues have to be addressed now or later. Something about the Isrealites and a mountain comes to mind.

So how do I turn this inside out mentality right-side-out? Pray. Persevere. Peddle on.
Look up. Don't give up. Keep it up.

God will bless our efforts but I think He expects us to at least turn those shirts inside out before we fold them. We have to reach up and surrender before He can hold us. Help me, Lord. Untangle this mess. Spot treat my "I quit" attitude. Help me to be an overcomer.