I can't believe that my due date is approaching. Technically, I could go into labor tomorrow and be considered full term...hard to fathom. So many changes around the corner!
I took my kids shopping to pick out backpacks and lunchboxes. I always looked forward to back to school shopping. Summers were fun, but the excitement of a new school year was always something I lived for. Something about wearing new clothes and getting new pens that just made me smile.
My kids had fun picking from the latest icons. My daughter chose a popular teeny bopper star while my son settled for Cars stuff. We had a hard time choosing between batman and Cars. I am glad he settled on the tamer one, he made his mommy proud. He handed me the backpack and I asked him if he would like to try it on. He shook his head yes. I proceeded to tighten the straps and then pull it onto his tiny little back. The straps hung to the floor, the pack itself at least to his knees. There he stood with a ball cap on and the cutest dimples ever smiling from ear to ear. I couldn't help it, I began to weep. I melted into a puddle on the floor of Target and just had a good cry. I don't even blame pregnancy hormones, it was just a moment of a mom not wanting to let go of her little one.
My mind has been reflecting since of whether or not I have prepared my son for the world of school. Did I play enough with him when he was home. Did I equip him with the tools he needed to be successful as a student. Suddenly the weight of motherhood overwhelms me.
When I think of what happened in the family of Steven Curtis Chapman and how perspective is so important, I get convicted. Was it necessary that we, "HURRY UP!!" or does mommy really have to do everything herself just for the sake of being "quicker!" The tender sweet times with my 2 oldest children are changing. They still need their mom, but they also need their independence and they need to begin to fly on their own. I'm just not ready and am hardly convinced that I did my best when they were home with me all the time. Could I have done better?
My eyes well with tears as I type this. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for every single one of our lives. Sometimes I wonder if being a mother is the only plan for my life. I have bucked against this idea so many times demanding that God had another ministry for me. I feel like I constantly sought Him for this other ministry and perhaps overlooked the ministry that He so graciously gave me with my 2 older children. With a third on the way there is hope that I could "do it better." But how do I let go of the regrets that I carry now?
I know that God never intends for us to handle things on our own. I was just reading a bible story to my kids tonight that reminded me of this. The story was about Joshua and Caleb and their scouting trip to the promised land. They saw the bounty and beauty of the land and the other scouts fixed their eyes on the problems. God rewarded Joshua and Caleb for fixing their gaze on God and His ability to accomplish things for us while he punished those who tried to figure things out for themselves. I couldn't help but think of which camp I find myself in most often.
We were just faced again today with a situation that can't be reasoned through with human understanding. I have ideas of how my husband and I can fix the problem but really my ideas won't get us very far. No, my ideas will only land us 40 years in a desert where we would eventually call it quits. God wants us to see Him and His enormity. I am not sure how He can take what I have done as a mother and use it for His glory, but I am not going to doubt that He is able. He can fill in where I neglected and fix what I botched. He can also help me to become so completely depended upon Him that it happens without thinking.
If motherhood is the only ministry that God gives me on this earth I so desperately long for Him to say, "Well done." I know he doesn't expect perfection. Sometimes I feel like motherhood fits on me like that big old backpack on my son, it just seems too big and I feel so small. "But God." That's all that I hang my hope on. I love my children so desperately and I so desire to be the mommy they need and deserve. Help me Lord to lay down my own selfish ambitions and simply seek You and Your plans for everyday. Each day with my kids is treasure. Overwhelm me with that fact Lord, in the tough moments and frustrating moments. Overwhelm me with you. I mean over the top Lord. I can't stand to have just a little of You. This little girl needs a great Big Daddy to take her hand so that she can take the hands of her precious gems and lead them straight to you.
