Inside Out

Another month gone by. A good friend of mine encouraged me to post on my blog. My prayer is that it will be more frequent. It is so easy to let time slip by. Amazing how we can look back over a week and see large bits of time we wished that we would have used more wisely. My intentions seem to be in the right place...but my actions don't seem to follow through. God bless Paul for telling me that I'm not the only one.

So, friend, here is where I am right now. I am going to follow through with sharing what is on my mind. Allowing my page to be my canvas I will paint the picture of my heart:

I am finding myself frustrated right now. I seem to see a trend in my life that I don't like. It is right along this theme of following through. I have glimpsed, perhaps for the first time in my life, that when things get hard I quit. I fold. I throw in the towel. It could be parenting. It could be relationships. It could be a job. I seem to see this common thread rearing its ugly head like a snake in the grass.

Lately, relationships have been hard for me. Circumstances have been such that I would rather keep to myself than try to put myself out there to make new friends. Perhaps its because I have been burned too many times. Perhaps its because I am tired of investing and having friends move away :) (NO GUILT ATTACHED HERE to my friends who have or are moving away!!!) New friendships among women I think are far to exhausting. I sometimes feel like I head back to high school. The "I have to impress" mentality creeps in. That's it. I give up. Too hard.

Then there is my part-time business. I desire to succeed. I am a smart girl. I love the product. But it is hard work putting yourself out there at the risk of being rejected or being offensive. Not wanting to impose on some one's time becomes a major obstacle to reaching out. Being shy becomes the mask that I hide behind and the excuse behind the lack of sales. Too hard. I won't succeed. No one does in these sorts of things. Just quit, it's a waste of time.

Parenting. Here, you can't quit...or can you? Problems come. Discipline issues arise. Emotional issues flare. Tiredness creeps in. So what does this worn-out mom to do??? Quit. Emotionally I disconnect. I hand the baton to my husband. I check out, blaming my own inability. You can quit parenting even when you still have kids!

Becoming a parent. Miscarriage happens. Try again? Too hard. It involves emotion. Reasoning consumes the brain. Why did this happen? What are the options? Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not a good mom. Maybe my body can't handle it. Maybe the finances are too tight. That's okay. I quit. Easier to avoid pain then to go through it, right??

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! So where from here? I can't help but think of my laundry as I write this. I weary of laundry. I will let you in on a secret. Sometimes I don't even bother to turn a shirt or two right-side-out. I just fold it like it is. Too time consuming to pull the sleeves through and lay it flat, why not just fold it like it is? I find that when I am in a hurry I pull out one of my daughter's shirts that is inside out. Then I have to take the time in THAT moment to pull it right side out. So one could deal with it before or deal with it now, but nonetheless the clothes have to be turned right side out to be worn. Issues have to be addressed now or later. Something about the Isrealites and a mountain comes to mind.

So how do I turn this inside out mentality right-side-out? Pray. Persevere. Peddle on.
Look up. Don't give up. Keep it up.

God will bless our efforts but I think He expects us to at least turn those shirts inside out before we fold them. We have to reach up and surrender before He can hold us. Help me, Lord. Untangle this mess. Spot treat my "I quit" attitude. Help me to be an overcomer.