Fumble #1

#1: Saying yes when I should say no. (Please don't say I told you so.) I have tried to be super mom and there ain't nothin' super about my underclothes anymore! Let me explain. I used to have Superwoman underoos when I was a kid. The underwear and camisole turned me super human. At least they made me look super human and that boosted my ego. My $18 push up bra and 5 pack of Hanes briefs just don't seem to have the same effect. Besides the obvious 25 plus years and having 2 kids, my "underoos" these days don't make me feel so super. Neither does missing God.

I pray and I ask the Lord to direct my steps. Yet sometimes I feel like following a pillar of fire would be easier than discerning a yes, no or wait from a still, small voice. I constantly question was that me or was that God? Was that from Him or was that idea from the chocolate I ate before bed last night. I get it right sometimes. I get it wrong a lot. I get frustrated trying to figure it all out a lot. I seek and ask for wisdom and sometimes its as though I get more confused. I can't really figure this out and probably never will. What I do know today is that yesterday I thought it was a yes. I said yes. Today, I feel as no would have been a better choice because the yes was really not best. Confused?? Me too.

I'm a mom, a pastor's wife and a girl who fumbles and bumbles through this life just trying to hear from God and do my best without the help of my underoos. Sometimes my best is pathetic at most. Today, I have decided that what it seems like or what it looks like to me really doesn't matter. I am on a journey towards God to figure out how to get into His Presence and "park it," as my mom would say, for good. I long to find that hemmed in place where I can encounter Jesus face to face. A relationship where there are no questions of what was said because it will be understood.

God help me. That's all I can pray here. Sometimes I say yes thinking that is right. Sometimes I say no with a regret. As I continue on in my walk, help me to hear you. Teach me what it is to do this thing together. Show me how to walk in your truth. Guide me each moment by the power of your Holy Spirit. Remove the wax from my spiritual ears and help me develop listening skills. Thank you Lord that you don't give up. You don't give me up. I fail so often and yet you remain. I am not deserving of your grace and yet you hold it out so tenderly. Thank you precious Father. Let us begin again. In your most Holy name, Amen.