New Glasses

Wow, what a beginning to the week. My sister came in town with her family on Sunday. I spent the Sabbath day cleaning, forgive me Lord, and preparing for her arrival. My children were very excited to see their cousins. I had prayed that everything would go smoothly and that we would all enjoy our time together as it was going to be awhile before we were all together again.

What happened? I wondered again about my prayer for health and the events that followed. Just hours before the much anticipated arrival my son's eyes looked a little weepy. Any mother can spot a fevery child from a mile away. I felt his head and then proceeded to take his temperature. A good old 102. Wow. Okay, what to do now?? I gave Tylenol and put my son down for his nap. He woke up with a lower fever and a lot of grumpiness.

My sister and her family arrived and my son's fever began to spike again. I don't know any mom who wants her kids around sick kids...especially when you are moving cross country with no doctor available as in the case of my sister. I did my best to keep my son to himself, much to my disappointment as my son had looked so forward to playing with his cousins.

We made it through Sunday, sort of. I woke up in the middle of the night with a very irritated eye. My eye was so blood shot that I was sure that it was pink eye. Great, another very contagious virus to try to contain. I wondered "Why now Lord??" Thoughts of my trip to Washington flooded my mind as I thought of how miserable it is to be sick when trying to absorb time with loved ones. I put drops in my eyes and we tried to head out to do something fun. My son was so miserable and pale that it was not much fun dragging him around. I was also forced to wear my glasses that were 7 or 8 years old. My prescription has changed several times since then as have the fashion trends. Needless to say, I felt awkward with my glasses and frustrated from the whole ordeal.

When we got home, I ended up using my brother-in-law's flashlight to look at my son's throat. The whole thing was covered with blisters. I decided that I should take my son to the doctor. So off I went in my glasses to the doctor. My son had a coxsackie virus...translation: a virus you never want your kids to get because it is miserable and highly contagious. I headed home and stopped off to get Popsicles to ease my son's pain. Meanwhile, my eyes ached ferociously and teared at the sun. Again, "Lord, why now?"

My sister and her family left the next morning. I ended up in the doctor's office myself. The doctor said I had come in the nick of time...the infection I had was in both eyes and just about ready to invade my cornea in one eye (i.e. not good!). I got a prescription and headed home to recuperate.

That is what I am tired of. Recuperating after a time that is suppose to be energizing. I don't understand why it seems that I can pray for one thing and the OPPOSITE seems to happen. Much needed rest and relaxation has instead been more stress, frustration and draining at best. Where does one go from here?

I went to Lenscrafters and got new glasses yesterday. I have to wear glasses until the middle of next week. I have a wedding to go to this weekend, with my new glasses and a new norm. They hurt my nose and are cumbersome but the alternative is impossible. Working out is out of the question as it is no fun to sweat with glasses on. My husband suggested a sports strap for glasses, thanks, but no thanks honey.

The Lord recently showed me that He is transplanting me from the soil that I have been rooted in, into the fertile soil of His love. This process seems like it would be all roses, right?? This transplant is a lot like my new glasses. They help me to see better than the ones I was trying to wear. They look measurable better. But the problem is that it is uncomfortable and different. Then end result is worth it: rested eyes and clear vision, but the process feels unnatural since I was so used to my contacts or old glasses. God's love is the best place to be rooted, but if you have been growing somewhere else for a long period of time, it takes diligence and flat out surrender to "remain in His love." God says in Psalm 52 that when we are rooted in His love we will be like "An Olive Tree, thriving in the house of the Lord." The Olive Tree is a long living tree and a tree that doesn't just get by, but THRIVES. My old glasses may have gotten me by, but my new glasses will get me through to the other side.

There is so much I don't understand about our God. I have so many "why" questions. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to know everything in advance, to have time to mentally prepare. God constantly reminds me that His ways are higher than mine. My plans are from a temporal perspective. It is overwhelming for me to sometimes get to a point where I am okay with that. I want the steady Love of God to help me with my small perspective on the circumstances of life. Someday, I belive by faith that I will be able to look back from a different place and have peace about all my yesterdays. For now, I am just a newly planted flower, needing water and lots of sun.

Second Day of Summer

The first day of summer was started early. Breakfast together was enjoyable. The plans for the day were made early. Even with a little burp in the weather, the day was great. We went to a free zoo with some great friends and just had a ball. What would follow fun like that better than a bagel from Panera??

Today, not quite as exciting. We all ate breakfast in shifts as Dad left early and my oldest slept the latest she ever has...8:05!! Wow!! Well, she woke happy. She looked happy. That was all a great disguise. Asking my daughter to clear her breakfast dishes turned into a three ring circus. For some reason it seemed as though I asked her to scale the Empire State Building with no rope. Good grief. With much coxing and a miraculous amount of patience on my part (THANK YOU, LORD!!!!) we made it through that challenge.

By the time we ate and cleaned up we were looking for some activity to ward off the "I'm bored" syndrome. We decided on stencils. This lasted about 20 minutes. I checked the website of local bookstore that said that they had story time at 10:30 on Tuesdays. Perfect. We had 10 minutes. I put my hair in a pony tail and changed into some presentable clothes. I blushed my cheeks, lined my eyes and brushed my teeth. I threw some clothes to my daughter who once again acted as though I had asked her to do the impossible. Good grief. After more tears and me combing my daughter's hair in front of me while we walked to the car, we were off. We raced to the back of the store right on time. On time for what? I asked a nearby employee if Story Time would be late today? He replied, "Story time is on Wednesdays." I restrained my desire to tell them to update their website because I know others are often frustrated with me for not updating mine!!! :)

Back home for lunch is what we decided. After a few fights at the table I had to get out my Attitude Adjuster 3000. (My new Dustbuster). I gave both my kids a good cleaning and we all laughed. Then each of them came up with a machine of their own. My daughter had a Hug-O-Matic that gave a hug every time someone talked. As I type this I am so thankful for a God who revealed His glory through this tired and weary stay-at-home mom. He gave me supernatural patience and creativity and joy in the midst of frustrating circumstances. I love what I read this morning in Isaiah 40:29, "He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless," and I am living proof.

I want to see God. Today I have. I watched for Him and I have witnessed His love in my life today. Have I doubted it. Yes, sometimes. Have I rejected it? Yes, sometimes. I love what Isaiah 30:27 says too, "...how can you say that the LORD does not see your troubles?...Have you never heard?" Have we never heard? I think my translation of this statement would be, "DUH!" My bible is filled with a God who sees. He sees us even when we don't see Him. God showed me that he saw my troubles today when he gave me patience and joy in what could have been the worst day of summer but instead it has become a stepping stone towards tomorrow to see what God will do next!

What do you see?

I love the children's book "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?" by Eric Carle. It is a great book about perspective. I enjoyed a conversation about perspective that my kids had today. We were driving to a park and they were talking about the shapes that they saw in the clouds. "I see a rabbit," one would say. "I see a bear," the other would say. Then my son said, "I see God. See His head right there...and there is his body!!" He continued, "Look mom, over there!" I could not quite see what he saw as God or His body. I just thought it was so awesome that my son was looking up to the sky expecting to see all sorts of wonderful things in the clouds and in the process he experienced what he thought was God.

Shortly after that moment, I began to pray to myself. I have been struggling with the same issue for quite some time now. I quietly whispered, "God, what am I missing. What can't I see in this?" The answer came as quickly and quietly as my whisper, "Me," I heard. "You're missing me." It wasn't that I was not seeing God. My problem was occurring and reoccurring and worsening because the God that I was seeing was more like a shape in the clouds. I felt like in that moment God was asking me to experience the fullness of Him in all that He is. Of course, as God would have it, the song that came on was about coming face to face with God. That has been my prayer as long as I can remember. "I want to see your face God. I want to know you so intimately." I feel like God has been telling me that the God that I've been seeing isn't him at all. I have been defining Him through earthly limitations and a jaded earthly perspective that has been made so distorted by my fleshly hurt.

Lord, my prayer today is that I would begin to see the real you through the clouds of what I have made you to be. Your word says that You are all I need. You are our strength. Help me to encounter the true God in all of Your glory and all of Your splendor. Help me to open my heart and allow the True God to shed His love in my heart. Change my perspective with one touch of your mighty and gently hand. I do love you, Lord. Help me though to love as you love, without inhibition.

Field Day

Today was field day for my daughter's school. Kindergartners through 5th graders were throwing frisbees, jumping rope and playing leap frog. We had a blast. I had a few moments to speak to my daughter's teacher out on the field. My daughter won an award in her class called the Timothy award. The teacher reiterated what an amazing award it was. The students all vote for 1 student in their class who most exemplifies Christ. WOW! Somebody asked me how a girl could win an award like that with parents like us?!! My thoughts exactly! I cried as I drove home today. I feel like I fall short in so many ways as a parent. How could I actually take any responsibility for my daughter acting like Christ when she doesn't always see her mommy acting like Christ?!! The answer?? GOD'S AMAZING GRACE!!!!

The other thing I realized while talking to my daughter's teacher is that we need to pray about every thought that comes to our minds. I have had a thought come into my mind over and over again and I did not know whether or not it was God. I mentioned the thought to my daughter's teacher. Her response was actually the opposite of what I was expecting her to say.

For so many years of my life I have done things as I thought others would approve of. I have found myself faced with some new decisions that I am praying through and my response to these issues is probably going to go against what some in my life would approve of. How difficult it seems some times to swim upstream. I got the pleasure of watching Salmon swim upstream in Bellingham, Washington where we used to live. It was an amazing thing to watch and a beautiful thing all at the same time. Those salmon never gave up jumping upstream. In fact some actually travel up to 1,000 miles upstream to spawn!! Their whole life cycle would be interrupted if they decided just to swim around in a cozy spot for their whole lives!! It is no different with us, other than the obvious swimming upstream to spawn :)! We can choose to swim around in a comfy spot or we can head out into the deep upstream in order to see God do amazing things through us.

I think we all come to spots along the road where we can decide to mature or remain the same. My prayer is that I will keep my focus on Elohim, the amazing creative God, who created me in His image!! and prepared things in advance for me to walk in. I want to walk the path He has intended, not the road most travelled. Robert Frost in his famous poem said that he "took the [road] less travelled by/ And that has made all the difference." Some people think the road less travelled is a bad thing. Not so. It is the brave thing.

Inside Out

Another month gone by. A good friend of mine encouraged me to post on my blog. My prayer is that it will be more frequent. It is so easy to let time slip by. Amazing how we can look back over a week and see large bits of time we wished that we would have used more wisely. My intentions seem to be in the right place...but my actions don't seem to follow through. God bless Paul for telling me that I'm not the only one.

So, friend, here is where I am right now. I am going to follow through with sharing what is on my mind. Allowing my page to be my canvas I will paint the picture of my heart:

I am finding myself frustrated right now. I seem to see a trend in my life that I don't like. It is right along this theme of following through. I have glimpsed, perhaps for the first time in my life, that when things get hard I quit. I fold. I throw in the towel. It could be parenting. It could be relationships. It could be a job. I seem to see this common thread rearing its ugly head like a snake in the grass.

Lately, relationships have been hard for me. Circumstances have been such that I would rather keep to myself than try to put myself out there to make new friends. Perhaps its because I have been burned too many times. Perhaps its because I am tired of investing and having friends move away :) (NO GUILT ATTACHED HERE to my friends who have or are moving away!!!) New friendships among women I think are far to exhausting. I sometimes feel like I head back to high school. The "I have to impress" mentality creeps in. That's it. I give up. Too hard.

Then there is my part-time business. I desire to succeed. I am a smart girl. I love the product. But it is hard work putting yourself out there at the risk of being rejected or being offensive. Not wanting to impose on some one's time becomes a major obstacle to reaching out. Being shy becomes the mask that I hide behind and the excuse behind the lack of sales. Too hard. I won't succeed. No one does in these sorts of things. Just quit, it's a waste of time.

Parenting. Here, you can't quit...or can you? Problems come. Discipline issues arise. Emotional issues flare. Tiredness creeps in. So what does this worn-out mom to do??? Quit. Emotionally I disconnect. I hand the baton to my husband. I check out, blaming my own inability. You can quit parenting even when you still have kids!

Becoming a parent. Miscarriage happens. Try again? Too hard. It involves emotion. Reasoning consumes the brain. Why did this happen? What are the options? Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I'm not a good mom. Maybe my body can't handle it. Maybe the finances are too tight. That's okay. I quit. Easier to avoid pain then to go through it, right??

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! So where from here? I can't help but think of my laundry as I write this. I weary of laundry. I will let you in on a secret. Sometimes I don't even bother to turn a shirt or two right-side-out. I just fold it like it is. Too time consuming to pull the sleeves through and lay it flat, why not just fold it like it is? I find that when I am in a hurry I pull out one of my daughter's shirts that is inside out. Then I have to take the time in THAT moment to pull it right side out. So one could deal with it before or deal with it now, but nonetheless the clothes have to be turned right side out to be worn. Issues have to be addressed now or later. Something about the Isrealites and a mountain comes to mind.

So how do I turn this inside out mentality right-side-out? Pray. Persevere. Peddle on.
Look up. Don't give up. Keep it up.

God will bless our efforts but I think He expects us to at least turn those shirts inside out before we fold them. We have to reach up and surrender before He can hold us. Help me, Lord. Untangle this mess. Spot treat my "I quit" attitude. Help me to be an overcomer.

Milk's Making Me Fat

I was at the health food store today, (my kids hate going there because they say it is "stinky") in search of some soy protein that I have purchased before. I asked an employee because I couldn't find the brand that I had used before. I explained to the employee that I liked it because it was both soy protein and whey protein. Then it occurred to me that I did not know a lot about whey protein. The employee explained that whey is only good for people that are serious athletes because it helps them gain weight and add muscle. Okay, so I'd like to think that being a mom and doing an occasional workout video qualifies me as a "serious athlete" but the employee seemed to be saying otherwise. He was steering me away from the stuff. Another employee suggested a couple of other products for energy and others for protein.

Then, after a few minutes of conversation the first employee said to me, "Look, this protein is really just like feeding yourself with baby's milk. Adults don't need milk like babies do. After all, babies basically drink milk to get fat." Well, you couldn't have gotten more straight forward advice. I thanked the employee for his help and shopped on.

As I returned home I began to think about adults and drinking baby's milk. Spiritually, milk is for those who are immature and meat is for those who are mature. So what happens if we try to live on milk as spiritual adults? Do we get fat? Spiritual fatness would seem to me like fatness of any other kind, i.e. NOT GOOD. Filling up on milk spoils our appetites for the heartier things. We miss out on the main course and on my favorite part, dessert. (Go figure. I love health food just about as much as I love sugar!! Balance, my friend. Balance!)

So what do you mean, "getting fat on spiritual milk?" Well, I have thought about this a lot. I think that we get fat when we take in God's word like we would cram for an exam. It just simply goes into our head like formulas, not understood or applied but just ready to be regurgitated when necessary. If we aren't feeding on things and then meditating and applying those things to our lives, then they do no good...they just make us fat.

Sometimes I think that I am a fat christian. Full of knowledge in my head but not a lot penetrates to my heart, the place where it challenges me to change, give, and grow. Maybe this is abstract and doesn't make sense to you. But I just can't help but feel that if we would exercise spiritually on a consistent basis and fill ourselves with spiritual "super food" that is bought only with extra time and searching, we would be radical believers who might just see a little revival in our families and churches. Don't settle for the fluff. I want to dig in and savor the rich meat of God's word!

Deal or No Deal

My daughter is obsessed with this show. Every time it comes on my daughter wants me to text message in to try and win $10,000 dollars. Then she asks me again and again, "How many American Girls can we buy with $10,000?" Oh yes, my daughter can't get enough of American Girls right now. Anyway, my kids love to try and play along with Deal or No Deal even though they don't understand. They cheer, laugh, wince and get so excited. They think daddy should go on the show!

I was just thinking that my faith walk these days seems like Deal or No Deal. I have the opportunity every day to take the Deal that God blesses me with or to say No Deal and hope for a better option. I find myself saying, "No Deal. I came here to play!" I am finding that it is a challenge for me to trust that God has my best interest in mind when I arise and He has His best for me each day. He is just awaiting my agreement. "Take the Deal," he whispers. "The other cases will only cause you disappointment, you may lose everything. Take the Deal."

My agreement. All I have to do is say "yes" to God and he showers me with His overwhelming best for the day. The best thing about God is that He loves me even when I close the lid on Him and opt for something besides His best. A friend of mine recently pointed out a scripture in Hebrews that had been speaking to her. Hebrews 4:15 in the Amplified Bible says, "For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation..." We have a High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses! He knows we are weak and he has sympathy! I am so glad that God knows my liabilities and does not hold them against me. He can change me and help me grow but He understands that some days I may choose poorly and say, "No Deal."

I have been saying "NO DEAL" to God a lot over the last couple weeks. In my weakness I think that God must be cruel to allow me to suffer or to seemingly ignore my requests. A scripture in Proverbs talks about how two people can only meet if they agree about it. I am in a place where I need to come into agreement with God's word even if I'm not feeling it. God's promises may not seem like they are yes and amen but my job is not to figure it out or ask why. My job is to wake up every day and take the Deal. God's Deal...or like scripture puts it, "come take up your cross and follow me" (Mark 10:21). No options given, just simple direction. "Take the deal."

Brown-bagging it Through Life

I came up with this clever saying yesterday while talking to my mom on the phone. I'm sure this blog will end up being more negative with not a lot of answers in it as I am literally writing from the top of my head or heart as it were.

My parents continue to seek God on where and how they are to proceed through their own valleys. Talk of towing cars or driving cars is accented by the wonderings of money to pay for the trip. Questions about hurts and why they had to endure seem to cloud them right now. It seems like when you are right in the middle of a storm the tendency is to look back over your shoulder and see the pattern of storms that seem to make a b-line right for your life. "Breathe into a small brown bag," I told my mom. My sister had gotten the advice when she was at the doctor recently.

Tennis elbow plagues my sister as she is now forced to give up a passion for sewing. She sews such beautiful purses. Between the 4 active children and the active military duty husband she has, the doctor says the sewing must go. And for the chest pain? A brown paper bag.

I've needed my own brown paper bags lately. Between a much anticipated trip gone wrong and a pregnancy gone wrong to boot, the paper bag seems like a good option. The questions of why of course go unanswered now. The cliched advice from well-meaning people rings in my ears. "God is faithful." I know it in my head. I've said it to myself even in the midst of my own turmoil. But today I asked myself if I really believed it in my heart? I find myself back at the beginning with God. The children's song, Jesus Loves Me, echoes in my mind. But do I really believe it when it counts? Do I have that love to offer to my neighbor who struggles to pay her bills and whose lonliness haunts her daily? Why is it that sometimes it feels like the whole system is flawed?

My daughter's devotional had a craft in it a few nights ago. The instructions were to cut a small paper bag around the bottom to make a small crown. My daughter was to wear it and pretend that she was a princess. Brown bags are for princesses when we are small and they become sanity for us when we are grown. That's not the picture that I want to pass on to my daughter. What if, just for a moment, I cut out my own crown from my brown bag? What if I walked around and pretended that I was a princess? To God, it really would not be that silly for that is how He sees me.

So how does one get from the brown bag-breathing existance to the brown bag royal living? The only thing I can figure is that it comes through faith. Today, I know, my faith is all but lost. My body is tired and weak. I've cried out from the depths of who I am. All I can do and all I know how to do is hang on with one bag cut into a crown for my head and one in my hand to breathe into slowly. My king, rescue your daughter. I am desperate for you. Overwhelm me with your love right in the midst of my tribulation. Teach me, God, how to live like a princess in the middle of the mire.

What About ME??

My daughter and I were shopping yesterday for a get well present. A little boy in her class had a good fight with the gym wall. The poor little guy was running in the game of "freeze tag" and apparently wasn't watching where he was going. (Although, it makes perfect sense when you are playing tag to keep your eyes fixed on your pursuer!) He hit the handle to the door on the wall and ended up with a concussion and 35 stitches!! Ugh! That wall bit him right down to the muscle! Okay, too much information, I know. His mom said that she could see the...okay, I'll stop.

Anyway, we were trying to find the perfect stuffed animal for him to cuddle with. As we were on the toy aisle my daughter said, "Let's get him this little bear and me the other one." "Wait a minute," I said, "We aren't shopping for you, remember??" "But mom!" This conversation sound familiar to anyone???

Similar selfishness seems to crop up in my son too. If you want to get a rise out of my son, try doing one of two things: Help him when he doesn't ask for it or try to eat one of his fruit snacks. My son has an amazing ability to swat my hand away while still trying to do whatever it is he is doing with his other hand without skipping a beat. He can swat my hand away while trying to buckle his own seat belt, while trying to turn on the computer by himself or while trying to turn on a DVD by himself. His ability to swat and still concentrate is almost worthy of the show, America's Got Talent! His eyes don't even seem to move away from what he is doing! And the fruit snacks...he guards those with hands, arms and head if need be. He can spot my fingers coming from a quarter mile! "MINE!" he yells. It is funny because he is always thinking of his sister whenever he does a craft or wins a prize, but when it comes to fruit snacks, ME is all he thinks about.

Now then, what about me? I wish that I could say that I have outgrown any selfish behavior. Nope. The good old flesh never seems to "outgrow" self, "What I will wear and what will so-and-so think about it. How does my hair look? How big is my house? What about my car, does it make me feel proud to drive it? Where's my bonus? Where's my gift? Where's my invitation to the party? What about me, God, where's my miracle?" I could go on and on and give you plenty of examples from my own life!! How selfish I can be! I read Philippians 3:3 this week which in the amplified bible reads, "For we [Christians] are the true circumcision, who worship God in spirit and by the Spirit of God and exult and glory and pride ourselves in Jesus Christ, and put NO CONFIDENCE or DEPENDENCE [on what we are] in the flesh and on outward privileges and physical advantages and external appearances."

Oh yeah, put NO confidence in the flesh. That means I can't rely on my looks, my gifts, my money or my position to make me a whole person! We are to pride ourselves in Jesus Christ and who He is. When our value system starts and ends with Him we will find ourselves more fulfilled and I dare say more blessed than if we seek all of the blessings as an end in and of themselves!! I was so challenged as I began to search my heart for the things that made me feel confident!! I could not say with all assurance that it was only Jesus that made me confident. I have put confidence in fitness for years. I have always tried to be thin. Now if I were to put all my eggs in this basket, what happens if I happen to get fat? (Okay, humor me on this one those of you who are rolling your eyes!!!) My whole value system, if it was based on my thinness, would crumble! I would live in fear and depression because what I put my confidence in failed! My body is going to change. I'm not going to (and don't) have the metabolism of a 20 year old for the rest of my life. Our bodies change, that's life. But when we PUT OUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST we can be assured that he will never change or let us down! Praise God. He wants me to see myself as He created me. Beautiful from the inside out. He doesn't love me for my size or complexion like the world does!!

I have prayed that God would reveal to me areas where I have allowed a lie of the world to become a truth in my heart! I am thankful that God hears us when we pray and is there to walk with us as we ask Him to sanctify us!

I was challenged and encouraged this week as I spoke with someone about a bible study. She was struggling with some of the content and it was a challenge even to make it to the bible study because her daughter would not stay in the nursery. She did not want to go to the study because it was going to take a lot of effort and wasn't paying a lot of dividends. We chatted about how, as Christians we need to make sure that we are taking everything that we read and holding next to God's word to make sure that it lines up. We need to know that what we are believing is scriptural!! I was proud of her for being sensitive to the Holy Spirit and encouraged her not to ever quit being sensitive when things don't quite match what God's word says.

A little while later I got a call from her and she was crying. A lady in the bible study was going through a hard time. She had always been a bit abrasive but for some reason just loved my friend's daughter. Because my friend's daughter was always with her in bible study, this lady sort of softened a bit to my friend. The lady shared her struggle about her unfaithful spouse and my friend was able to be Jesus to her by throwing her arms around this lady's neck and telling her that SHE loved her and would pray for her. My friend told me that she did not really know this lady but she KNEW that being at bible study wasn't, as she had assumed, always about her, her, her! God was using her and her daughter to minister to SOMEONE ELSE! It isn't always about us and what we are or aren't getting out of life! AND, ministry to others is hardly ever easy or convenient!!

Oh Lord, Help us to put our confidence in You. Help us to seek You and allow You to shed Your light on our dark places. Change us from the inside out! Use us right where we are as we are sensitive to You. Fill us with more of You and Your love as we daily draw near and help us to turn that love outward to others instead of keeping it all to ourselves. Purify our desires and help us to surrender our wills, may we truly live out, "not my will but YOURS be done!" Amen!

Stress, Seriousness and Sunshine

I can't believe that it has been over a month since my last post. Busyness seems to be the adjective that I use, the excuse that I offer and the answer that I give. Then I look at my bookshelf and I see books like, "Too Busy Not to Pray" and "Weary Warriors and Fainting Saints" oh good grief, where to start?? I was thinking this morning as I was driving about trying to get up early in the morning. It seems like no matter what I do, my eyes want to slam shut and why is it that your bed is never as cozy as when you are suppose to be out of it???!!! I found myself crying out to the Lord on the way to drop my daughter to school, "Forgive me, Lord for my apathy."

I have looked at my life and my schedule over the last couple days. It is so important that we learn balance in our lives. I took my kids to the park yesterday (Hallelujah, the sun actually does come out once in a while in Chicago!!) and my daughter wanted to pretend that the see-saw was a balance beam. She told me, "Mom, it is so easy when you put your hands out like this." She stretched her arms out to the side and confidently walked the line in front of her. Are you getting the spiritual picture?? A scripture that has been on the forefront of my mind of late is Colossians 2:6, "Just as you received Jesus as lord, continue to live in Him." I don't remember coming to the Lord, clinging to my old life, or hanging on to someone or something. I remember the moments of surrender and breakthrough where I threw out my arms and said, "Here I am Lord, I surrender." So, as time goes on at least in my life, I have grabbed on to a few things and I am trying to walk the path of life with a pile of stuff throwing me off and blocking my view. We were saved by grace and that is how we are to live.

I have asked the Lord and mulled over this "walking by grace" a lot over the past couple weeks. I don't like living with a heavy heart or with a nagging frustration like a cough that never quite goes away. How does the "grace walk" look? A lot like my daughter on her balance beam. Arms out, head held high and confident smile. As I was doing dishes on Sunday, I began to weep before the Lord while I told Him that I feel like my grace walk lasts about 3 minutes and then I try and pick up a load. I told Him how frustrated I get that I can't seem to get it right for very long at a time. This is where the keeping on comes in. If we taught our kids just to throw in the towel when they fell off their bikes, there would be a lot of dusty bikes in garages. Just as we received, CONTINUE!!! Paul follows this with saying that we should be "rooted and built up and strengthened in the faith and overflowing with thankfulness" (Colossians 2:7). My prayer these days is root me God, build me up IN YOU.

My daughter made a type of Chia Pet at school with a clear cup and grass seed. She named him Hairy. Hairy grows so quickly. It is neat to look through the cup and see the roots stretching down. I have done some heart checking and I believe that sometimes struggle is the result of planting our little selves in something other than the Lord. My own abilities and my own limited perspectives are often the soil of my actions. Paul goes on to tell us in verse 9 that, "We have been given fullness in Christ." I don't want emptiness, in fact I don't even want half-fullness. I want overflow and abundance and that only comes from ROOTING, SETTLING IN, in CHRIST. He is where I fix my thoughts. He is where I leave my circumstances.

Today is Yellow Day for my daughter's Kindergarten class. We went to Target and bought a yellow shirt for her and a cute yellow flower headband. While I was brushing her teeth this morning, she asked me, "Mom, do you know what this shirt reminds me of?" "What," I asked. "Hope!" she proclaimed. "This shirt reminds me that we have hope in Jesus." No joke. My daughter is really more spiritually mature than a lot of adults I know. I'm not trying to brag, it is the reality though. If more of us adults put on our yellow shirts and thought about the hope we have in Jesus instead of putting on our impressive duds that make us feel better about ourselves, the world would seem to be a bit brighter.

Lord, thank you that you never give up on me. Thank you for the sunshine that you have given me through my family. (My youngest ray of sunshine is hanging on my neck!!) Thank you for my daughter, Lord, who reminds me to keep this life in perspective and to walk on, arms outstretched, confident in Almighty God.

Frustration, Fights and (almost) Fires

I approached yesterday with enthusiasm. I had gotten up and read my bible. I spent some time in prayer. (A note on prayer, sorry, I digress: I was in a home recently where I believed the family was Muslim. There was a prayer room and in that room was a prayer carpet. That carpet had knee marks worn into it. One could tell that the rug was well used. Let me tell you, it was pretty convicting to me as a Christian...hopefully you too if you aren't wearing knee marks into your carpeting!) Anyway, I had prayed. I began to start the rest of my day.

As I headed downstairs to make coffee, my kids began fighting over who got to help. Ugh. Of course they both wanted to stand on the same chair about 16 inches from me. Then they would fight over who got to do what. About 12 inches from all of us was an extremely hot toaster oven and a hot espresso machine. NOT good when you have preschoolers fighting in a small space, someone is bound to get burned.

As I was playing referee at 8 am my cell phone rang. Not a family member as I expected, but a realtor who wanted to show our home as it is on the market. So now I am faced with how to get my daughter to school and my house cleaned in 1.5 hours. No need for coffee now, I had adrenaline.

My husband took my daughter to school and I blazed around the house. Of course my vacuum was broken so I had to track down a loaner in the next few moments. No problem, my neighbor to the rescue. I cleaned everything from top to bottom and then some. I had the sweat rings to prove it. I despise back and belly sweat by the way. I managed to maintain my composure enough to get into some sweat free clothes and out the door before the appointed time.

What better place to kill an hour than....STARBUCKS!! Of course. I sat down and my husband ordered some coffees and chased after our 3 year old. After we enjoyed our coffees we decided to go for a quick drive to see a home we are considering buying. As I got into my car and my husband in his, he was quickly at my door. I guessed it within seconds. His car would not start. Mind you, it was about -15 with the windchill. Yes, MINUS 15. Those of you not from the Midwest, it is possible unfortunately.

My husband and I decided that we would jump the car. Of course there were cars on either side of his so we had to push his car to a new location. Now remember the temperature, my 3 year old son and an exhausted sweaty, hot(headed that is) mama are all part of the equation. Okay, yeah, no problem. Let me help you push your car honey (sarcasm included in this remark!). We managed to push it across the parking lot with me responsible for reaching my hand into the car to steer the wheel. Bad idea. I can't steer a car in reverse while in the drivers seat. I kept hearing the words, "Crank it. NO! Other way. Come on, crank it!" Okay. I was freezing and about ready to become very CRANKY from all the orders about CRANKING!!

I jumped into our car that was running with my 3 year old in it yelling, "I want to go home!" Yep. Me too son. My husband instructed me to pull our car in front of his so he could use the jumper cables. I began to protest while offering my opinion of how it could be done. My husband, bless his heart, simple closed his eyes tights. I think that must somehow help him not open his mouth and yell at me. So I jumped in and backed up quickly and pulled the car in front of his. (There was a bit of frustration involved in my backing up as I think I did about 30 mph!) I could tell by the look on his face I had not done as he wanted. So I slammed on the brakes, shoved the car in park and got in the passengers seat without saying a word.

My husband dropped the jumper cables while saying, "What are you doing?" What does it look like I am doing, dear? I am letting you drive since I obviously can't. He got in the car to position it as he had envisioned. I began to smell a burning smell. I looked out the windshield and down on the ground. The jumper cables were touching each other on the ground and were attached to his car battery. Smoke billowed and sparks began to fly...in 2 places. I yelled, "You are about to start your car on fire!! What were you thinking?!! I jumped out and separated the cables. After my husband got out and tried to jump his car, it would not work. I was mad at him and at the circumstances and was freezing cold.

In order to leave the car in the parking lot we had to once again push it forward and then back it up to straighten out my poor steering from before. When we got it pushed, all while freezing and watching a few people walk by and stare (I felt like yelling, "No really, I've got it. I am a very strong stay-at-home mom, I don't need your help pushing this big piece of tin!!"), we got in our car that was running and headed home to get some tools.

We fought all the way home. I was focused on the fact that we almost blew up a car in the last 5 minutes. When we were backing out of our driveway a few moments later I said, "Honey, can we pray??" Thank you Lord for the conviction of your Holy Spirit. My husband and I are a team. When unity is broken, all hell breaks loose. The enemy wanted a foothold. "Let's see if I can set this marriage on fire," I could hear him whisper! Well, PRAISE GOD that we separated the cables that were sparking! We recommitted our day to the Lord and armed ourselves with the Lord's might.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons yesterday. First of all, just because I get up and read my bible and pray doesn't mean that my day will go off without a hitch. I often say to myself, "Why is this happening today, I read my bible and prayed?!" Well, trials come to test our faith not because we have not prayed. Praise God that I did pray or I might have just driven away and left my husband at Starbucks with his car on fire. Just kidding. I would never do that. Secondly, I learned the importance of listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit. How easily we can squelch that still, small voice by yelling with ours. I knew that my attitude was wrong. I knew that I was allowing circumstances to influence my emotions. But, praise God that I was able to stop and yield to the Holy Spirit. Next, I learned once again the importance of unity in our marriages. We cannot accomplish much when we are at odds with anyone. Getting upset with my husband only complicated our circumstance. There was no one to blame in the situation. It was not any one's fault. Oh how our flesh wants to point its bony finger!! Instead, the better choice is to pray and communicate. One secret that my husband and I have discovered in these situations is to LAUGH!! Oh how good it felt a little later in the day to laugh at how dumb we both were. Laughter is indeed good medicine.

The final lesson is to let your husband do the driving when precision is important. This applies to our relationships too, gals. We are to submit to our husbands in everything. That is what God's word says. Mind you, we aren't to be doormats or rag dolls for abuse. But one thing that I have learned (almost) is that things work much better when you allow your husband to assume the position that God has given him as the head of the household instead of stepping on him while putting ourselves there. When we are obedient to God in this, God deals with our husbands and we are off the hook and out of the line of fire!!

Starbucks and Flax Seed Oil

Yesterday I took a trip to our local health food store to purchase some Flax Seed Oil. I recently read an article about the health benefits so it seemed quite worth it to me. I was excited to open the bottle and try the so-called "nutty" flavor. Have you ever tried to eat a whole tablespoon of vegetable oil? That is what this tasted like. The only "nutty" thing was me trying to swallow it. My whole mouth and throat were warm and well lubed. Ugh. Let's hope this stuff really does boost serotonin levels!

So, I was well adjusted with the Flax in my system, now let's start the day. Read bible. Check. Pray...sort of check. Interrupted by a child screaming "MOMMY!!!!!!" at the top of their lungs. A quick prayer for patience as I head up the stairs. My day started with the oil, the yell and then the dreaded pink-eye. My daughter's eyes had looked a little funny the night before and now they looked really yucky!

I made a call to the doctor who simply called in a prescription. No problem. I need to return some library books and then I will pick up the drops. I gathered up my children, one from behind the couch and one from the floor who was, of course, spreading the library books all about. "I just hunted all of those down! Please don't mess up my pile!!" Ugh. The kids must have seen the frustration in my face because without me saying a word they both quickly hurried to the door and put on their own shoes. I didn't think I looked that scary without a shower, but then again....

We headed out the door and to the library. I returned the books, well almost all of the books. We had tears about a couple that I just threw back in the car to renew as my serotonin levels were starting to plummet after all of the yelling and screaming. We made it to the pharmacy. Now, every 2 seconds I told my daughter not to touch anything as pink-eye is very contagious. We get to the desk and of course the prescription is not ready. We went around and picked up a few items all with me saying, "Keep your hands to yourself. No, to yourself I said!" They need to make a mommy doll that says that when you squeeze her hands!

As I stood in line to pay for my things my daughter started to cry. "Mom, my brother got a toy stuck in my hair!" The clerk actually laughed out loud. I looked over to see my daughter with a toy helicopter stuck in an incredible rat's nest of hair. I told her to stand still while I finished paying. We stepped aside while I tried to get the airplane out. Under my breath I told my flax seed oil not to fail me now! I ended up breaking the helicopter and my daughter's hair was going to have to be cut to be fixed. I walked over to customer service to tell them what happened. The clerk was gracious and did not make me pay for the toy. We made it back to the pharmacy desk and picked up the drops. Then, we made it back to the car with a couple of $1 toys to keep the kids busy while I made lunch. "I have to go pee, pee," I hear from the back seat. Of course I couldn't have been told when we were 3 feet away from a restroom inside the store. Now we were a quarter of the way home. How convenient.

Starbucks to the rescue. I looked out the window and that was the closest store with easy access to the restroom. As a mom you are forced to know these things. We ran in to go potty of course (getting myself a coffee was an afterthought...don't believe me!). After my son went potty, I washed his hands and set him down with some paper towel to dry them. As I washed mine I glanced in the mirror and saw him digging, yes digging in the sanitary napkin waste basket. What is with my son and sanitary napkins???? "GROSS!" I yelled as I scooped him up. We washed hands again.

As we exited, the kind barista from behind the counter asks, "How are you today?" I quickly replied, "Fine thanks, and you?" As she started to answer I interrupted her and said, "Actually, I'm sorry, I just lied to you. I am not fine." She looked at me perplexed as if she had been hit with a stun gun. Starbucks must not train their employees to "handle the truth!" She kind of laughed and quickly said, "What can I get for you?" Now, I was very tempted to say, "Where do I begin? I could use a housekeeper and a nanny for the day. And while I am thinking about it, I would love Supernanny to stop by and help me with some sharing issues we have in our home. I desperately need a haircut and a style for that matter and I am running low on some of my cosmetics as you can tell." Instead, I chose the better option and smiled while saying, "One Grande Nonfat Mocha, please." I paid and the barista said, "There is a Chicago Bear signing autographs next door." Maybe she thought that would help.

What a great idea! I took my coffee and headed next door to Kinkos. I got in line and felt kind of funny as we are Broncos fans and I had no idea whose autograph I was standing in line for. I politely asked the employee as she handed me, my son and my daughter a free football for the autograph. "Mark Bradly," she said. "Oh yes, of course," I replied. So there we stood. A little girl with pink-eye and a rat's nest, a little boy who was sucking on the zipper to his coat and who just finished digging through the sanitary napkin bin next door and me, the clueless mother who needed a shower. I began to panic as our turn got closer. I realized that the Kinkos employee was snapping photos! Yep, this will be one to put on the Christmas card. I tried to politely step out of the picture so just my kids would enjoy the moment but the employee insisted on me squeezing in there next to old Mark Bradly. Poor handsome fellow had to endure pictures with crazy people like me for an hour!

We were excited as we left, because we were sure that Daddy would be jealous. We immediately called him on his cell phone. "Guess what?" I said. "What?" he replied. "We just got our picture taken with Mark Bradly." "Who?" my husband asked. "You know, Mark Bradly, the Chicago Bear!" I shrieked like I had known who he was. "Hmmm, I don't know who that is," my husband replied. Good grief. We thought that this would be exciting. Don't you know that we stood in line with bad hair, gross eyes, coffee breath and germy mitts to get these footballs!

We got back in the car and headed home. At least I got a Mocha out of it. Just another day in my life as a mom. Starbucks and Flax Seed Oil may help a crazy mom like me, but we all know that my only true help in found in Christ. He can lift my spirits and His holy oil doesn't gag me. He energizes me with His love that doesn't cost me $3.95. He says to us, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9. His grace is all we need. He gives us strength in our weakness. I am so thankful for that because most days I feel pretty weak. Today I am powerful because of His strength in my weakness! I have the power through Christ to handle whatever this day holds. "His grace is sufficient!" I need to remind myself of that. Say it out loud with me, "HIS grace is sufficient!" Thank you Lord that you are not surprised by my weakness but you have a plan to fill and use me despite it. I love you today, Lord. Amen!

Making Sense of it All

I don't know about you, but I have found myself contemplating God and the things that happen in this world more often these days. I have been challenged and liberated while digging into God's word. He is so amazing and so faithful when we seek Him!

I have been struggling with a couple of issues that I will just lay out on the table. I welcome your comments and responses! We had some acquaintances who just lost a 2 year old to cancer. Their faith was securely in God. They both thought and even believed that God would heal their son this side of heaven. The healing would most certainly result in an amazing testimony to the doctors and nurses who walked this road with this family for several long months. Every day, it seemed like I would read the words of this mother that her son "was healed in Jesus name." Her hope was secure in a God who still heals today. Her son went to be with Jesus a few days ago. But God? These parents sensed a healing here on earth? The answer could not be found in a lack of faith, because all evidence pointed to a stronger faith than I could certainly muster given the same set of circumstances.

I read through Psalm 91 the last couple of days. I was perplexed as I read through it in light of this recent occurrence,

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease...His faithful promises are your armor and protection...Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you...If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home...The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name" (NLT).

Okay, was it just me, or did some of those statements perplex you too?? Did this little boy's parents live in the shelter of the Most High? You bet. Did they trust him? Yep. Did he rescue their son from deadly disease? Not exactly how they desired. Did evil conquer their son's body? Well, his earthly one, yes. Ugh. Tough stuff. I always seem to find myself asking tough questions when situations like this arise. Where were you God? Did I have hidden sin in my life? Did I not pray enough? Did they misinterpret your promises?

I began to pray that God would help me understand. I know that my puny little mind cannot understand the deep things of the Almighty, but I asked for a little clarity. As I thought and prayed I came to the following conclusion found at the end of Psalm 91, "The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me, I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them" (verse 14-15). He WILL rescue us. He will BE WITH US in trouble. I don't know how he will rescue but He says that He will. We may feel completely shaken but He will keep us from completely crumbling if we put every little bit of faith we can muster in Him. More importantly, He will be with us in trouble. I have been reading about Moses and His intimacy with God. He knew what it was to dwell WITH God. He experienced deep friendship with his creator. Oh to look at the face of the one who speaks His peace to our hearts during trouble.

I really feel like God spoke to my heart that nothing is impossible with Him. He could have healed our friend's son. He can. He is able. It wasn't that He did not heal. He accomplished His plans in the lives of our friends. There is no doubt that their son is running around in a place that far surpasses this world. He is being cared for by a Daddy whose strong arms are impenetrable. As for our friends, the only thing I can figure is that God needed them to trust Him. God wanted them to see His glory revealed, His light illuminate, His love overwhelm, His peace overshadow.

God is reliable. He is the forever God. His protection doesn't always mean that we won't be struck. I just think His protection means our most important part - our spirits, won't be destroyed by hardship when we trust in Him. There is a song by Natalie Grant called 'Held' that has ministered to my heart during these questions. She sings that even though we feel a sense of entitlement because we belong to God, being held means that when things are stripped from our lives we survive because of God. Oh God, help me to see things with eternal eyes. Help me to allow you to hold me. Only then will we survive. Help us to know you intimately, Lord. Draw near to us in our troubles. We will rise victorious in You as long as we cling to you instead of shaking a fist at You. Reveal your purposes in us, reach people through us. I love you precious Lord.

How's About a Dance

Life is such a tremendous journey. I have been overwhelmed the last couple of days with the way that God reaches out to us. I have gone through a particularly difficult couple weeks. For whatever reason, I have been challenged physically and emotionally. I found myself frustrated and just plain pooped.

I had gone to a retreat a couple months ago where God just really showed up. He revealed His love for me in such a tangible way. If you are sitting there at your computer today and you are doubting God's love, Don't. Just Don't. When I was at the retreat I found something that I had lost years ago. I had to go all the way to St. Louis to get it. My smile. I rediscovered it not because I won the lottery. Not because I got to meet Joyce Meyer personally, although I would love that, but because I sensed the overwhelming and indescribable love of Almighty God. He spoke to me in such a clear way that giving me my smile back was His job. Keeping it was mine. God gives us the victory but we have to choose to walk in it.

I was speaking to someone today about victories. It seems like we can have a victory and then loose it. For some reason it feels like when you loose it you end up farther back than when you started to journey to begin with. I can't quite figure out why that is. The only thing that I can figure is that the enemy is ticked off that you have made forward movement so his attacks increase. Maintaining victory is definitely a tough job that only God can give the strength to accomplish. Sometimes we have to walk in the victory even before we see its completion or feel like it is a win. It truly is all about faith. I have to choose to put on my dancin' shoes even when I feel like going to a pity party instead.

Today my son said a funny thing. My daughter was running around in her under ware, not uncommon in our house, and she ran and jumped in her brother's bed. He was quite unnerved by her actions and very sternly marched into his room. He pulled back the covers on his bed and said very sharply, "Put on your clothes. I can't see you like this." I feel like I have been running around in my spiritual under ware, forgetting what God tells us in Colossians 3:12, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience...And over these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity"(NIV). I've been cruising around in nothing. No fruit. No love. Then I wonder why I am so miserable. I need to put on my clothes because I know no one likes to "see me like this."

Psalms 105:3 says, "Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice." That word glory literally mean, "make into a fool, act madly, shine" (Strongs). There is one thing that I want to copy about my daughter's behavior today, I want to dance around in reckless abandonment to the God who died to give me joy. I want to be a fool for Him. Not because I feel like it, because I don't. Not because I have to, because I don't. Just because my God deserves the best I have to give Him. So come on and do a victory jig in your garments of praise and the battle that you find yourself in will seem far less overwhelming and really not a big deal in comparison to a big God.

No Regrets

I think there are songs and even books named "No Regrets." What does that mean exactly....because I seem to have regrets on a daily basis. For instance, today I felt crummy and was trying to get my daughter to school on time. I was walking through her school parking lot and a lady nearly ran us over. Now, mind you, she was in the wrong but then I found myself saying out loud, "Good grief lady!!" Now I said it so loud, partly because my head was clogged, but also because I was ticked off!! Oh yeah, I am in the parking lot of my daughter's CHRISTIAN school at my CHURCH! Ugh. By God's grace the lady didn't hear me. I overheard her say to her daughter, "Hurry up, we are going to be late." I completely understand her problem. But I had a regret - I opened my mouth.

If you haven't noticed, my mouth tends to get me in trouble a lot. My daughter, before we left for school today, actually asked me to my face (as it was three inches from hers because I was zipping up her coat), "Mom...um...did you pray today??" Yep, another regret. Not just the not praying, but the fact that my kid noticed.

I didn't clean my house like I wanted to today. I didn't get the reading done that I should have. I didn't play with my kids as much as I wanted to. I haven't scheduled that prayer gathering yet with friends. I haven't called that friend that was struggling last week. I should have gotten up earlier. I shouldn't have stayed up so late. I shouldn't have made such a big deal about that. I should have made a bigger deal out of that. Things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I didn't really pray today. My spiritual life isn't where I want it to be. I have enough regrets from the last 2 days to fill a Hefty garbage bag. So what am I going to do with them?

It is obvious that in life we are going to have regrets...at least in my opinion. I think that the more important thing is what we do with those regrets that is the issue. Am I going to tow them around and let them ruin my day, my week, my life?? Take it from me, I have spent too many years of my life wishing that I would have done this or wouldn't have done that or wouldn't have said this or that. I think that the enemy has just been dancing all over the promised land that Jesus died to give me, and you know what, I'm not going to let him stay any longer and I'm not going to let him convince me to tote my garbage around like it was a cute Coach purse! Throw it off and run away from it. Dance around in freedom and liberty. I was just reminded again today that we have liberty in Christ. We don't have to worry about yesterday. The sun went down on that day! There's no room in today for yesterday's garbage. The way to have no regrets is to lay them at the foot of the cross and let them be!

If you have been toting regrets, please, set them aside. Lay in bed each night and ask God to take them from you. We can learn from our mistakes but we can't just lay around in them and expect to have any joy. Thank you Lord that you cause all things to work together for my good. Take my regrets from today and help me to walk in greater freedom tomorrow. Ahh. That feels much better to set my sights ahead and truly FORGET WHAT LIES BEHIND. I can't change yesterday but I am determined to make the most of my tomorrow.

One More Time

Wow. It has been over a month since I sat down to do this. Good grief.

My daughter has been learning how to tie her shoes. This seems like an exciting thing as a parent until you get down to the nuts and bolts of actually teaching the process. I think that there should be books written on the subject as it has seemed as difficult as potty training to me.

First of all, my daughter has very little patience. Scratch that. My daughter has no patience. (The apple doesn't really fall far from the tree, I'm sorry to say!) If I begin to show her she is grabbing all over the place all while screaming. Now, the great thing about this is that I am crouched down on the floor with her. A position that is not the best for mom, especially when in this position my belly seems to try and creep over the waist of my pants. (That is a whole other blog.) My feet seem to fall asleep so quikly as well. Not a fun feeling. Then, of course, because we are in close proximity I get my daughters fitfull screams right in my face. Again, not a good thing for mom who is challenged in the area of patience herself. So let me review: Frustrated 5 year old with meatball breath screaming into mom's face who is uncomfortably crouched over in a position that reminds her that she hasn't used her eliptical since, umm, well I can't recall. Not a good scene.

My next challenge is that my daughter is left handed and I am right handed. For some reason my little brain can't really comprehend how to switch things around to show my daughter how she would do it with her left hand. So as I try to show her as I also try to find words that can explain what it is that I am doing. Bunny ears are of course the classic explanation for the "loopy" things, so thank you to whomever came up with that terminology. So, daughter, you make an x and pull one of the laces through. Then, you make two "bunny ears" and you cross those and then you push one bunny ear through a "hole" that somtimes is difficult to find and there you go. You too, daughter, can tie like a pro.

Simple enough. But of course as she tries to make bunny ears they don't look like the ones that mommy showed her. Then as she tries to pull one through the other and the bunny ear disappears and the shoelaces seem to melt into spaghetti noodle type strands that melt back onto the top of her shoe. No neat bow, just a mess.

After several attempts and much (miraculous God-given) patience on my part, my daughter looses it. I had tried quiet encouragement and softly-spoken words, but nothing could help my now irate and tazmanian-like daughter. I found it best at this point to exit the room. After several minutes, she came to me frazzled and in tears, "My bunny ears have completely fallen flat on the floor." I scooped her up and encouraged her once again, "Tying can be very frustrating, can't it. We'll just keep trying and you will get it!"

My daughter did manage to tie once or twice, but the bunny ears were overly long and floppy and of course one of them was pulled so tight that it came loose. Yet, it was a victory to her so I didn't point out the obvious flaws...not a good time and who was I to judge? :)

So many times I have found myself with "bunny ears" of sorts flopped flat on the floor in front of me. Most of the time that I find myself in this frustrated frenzy is when I am either trying to do the tying "all by myself" (insert foot stamping here) or when I am trying to tie someone's shoes that I was never intended to tie. What a mess a little string can be. I was just sharing with a friend today on this very same topic. Abiding in Christ and allowing Him to lead is a full time job for sure. And how many times have I skimped on devotions for the sake of time or just skipped it all together because I didn't have time and then wondered why my bunny ears weren't looking so well?? Duh. I have had a lot of those "duh" moments lately.

Lord, thank you for your patience with me and my blundering. Thank you for your faithfulness to me when I stamp my feet and demand that "I do it myself." Thank you for loving me when I run around in circles because I am not seeking you and your will. You are the Great and Awesome God. Thank you that with you ALL things are possible. Even teaching my daughter to tie her shoes.

Perspective

It seems like I could write a book on this word. Maybe I will someday soon since I have a couple of hours of spare time during the week! :) It is almost overwhelming how perspective is so involved in every part of our lives (and my children's lives!)

For example, my daughter decided today that she wanted to play with her Polly Pockets. If you are a mother of a Kindergarten-aged girl then you feel my pain with these toys. Okay, here is the concept for those of you unversed in the ways of young girls toys: Polly and her friends are basically miniature barbie dolls. However, instead of having barbie-sized clothes these dolls have rubber clothes. The idea here is that the rubber clothes are easier for little fingers to manipulate. I am not sure what test-panel tested this idea but I always seem to end up with Polly mashed in my grips while I attempt to put on her rubberized blue blazer, not designed to be compatible with big, fat fingers. The shoes are equally as frustrating for my daughter as they are smaller than tic-tacs. Of course the shoes aren't great big clod-hoppers either. We are talking strappy heels here - high fashion and difficult to get on Polly's teeny tiny feet. Now what does my daughter do the second I unhand Polly after wrestling with her to get her dressed? She takes her in the other room and undresses her so she can put on some other outfit. Of course a shoe goes missing and the frustration for both of us just cycles. Ugh.

Anyway, my daughter was trying to play Polly Pocket with my son. Of course the conversation that I hear goes like this, with my daughter doing all of the talking, "Don't touch that one buddy. Don't take that off. Don't do that. No, I'm the dog. Don't hold her so tight. Don't twist her like that you are going to break her." Amazingly, my son just takes it all in. I'm not sure that he hears half of the instructions, (He has learned the art of selective listening at an early age) He is just happy to play with his sister. Then, all of a sudden, my son must have breathed on Polly wrong because my daughter was out of her chair hitting my son upside the head with Polly's cousin Pia. Now in her perspective this was the only way to solve the conflict. Hit my brother and he will listen. Bop him and he will stop. Inflict a bit of pain to bring the point home.

The problem here is obvious. My daughter's perspective was jaded by her control and selfishness issues. Boy can I relate. Let me clarify, I don't go around hitting people with Polly Pockets but I do find myself operating under jaded perspectives. For example, when my perspective is overshadowed by insecurity than everyone who looks at me is staring at my bad hair or blemish. And of course anyone who walks by me at church without saying "hi" when they know me, in my limited perspective, doesn't like me. So all in a days work I have allowed the enemy to convince me that I am ugly and nobody likes me.

Oh to have a godly perspective. God's word says that we are His workmanship (see Ephesians 2:10). So when the enemy is trying to convince me that I am ugly I can refute him with the word. "Oh no you don't satan, my perspective is in line with God's and HE says..." If only I would be quick to line up my thinking with God's. It would definitely save me from a lot of heartache.

A candid example from my life just happened Friday. I was out and about and checked my home messages from my cell phone, which I often do. A woman had left a message from a business that I had left a message with the day before. When I listened to her message I had a jaded perspective. All of the sudden in my mind this woman was rude, didn't like me and thought that I was stupid. All from a short phone message. I immediately called my husband and told him of this woman's rudeness. He was surprised that she was so short with me. Later that evening when we both had arrived home I played our messages while we were putting some things away. I wanted my husband to see first hand the nerve this lady had in talking to me the way she did. As the message ended, my husband turned to me and at that moment I knew. I looked at him and said, "I was wrong, wasn't I. She really wasn't that unkind in what she said, was she?" My husband just shook his head. As I am sure my heavenly Father had when I first told my husband of the phone call.

Oh Lord, help me to live according to your word. Help me to see with your eyes. Help me not to jump to conclusions or allow the enemy to gain a foothold. Help me to speak out your truth when I feel like living a lie. And give me patience, Lord, especially with Polly's shoes.

A Walk through the kindergarten

Yep. Today was the big day. The first day of "real" school for my 5 year old. No more play clothes and no more sleeping in...for either one of us.

The day started for me about well, midnight. My daughter screamed out in her sleep as she was about to be consumed by a giant squid. "No, honey, there is no giant squid. Go back to sleep." I told her. She rolled over and went back to sleep. Three hours later she cried out again. This time it was a swarm of mosquitoes. "No, honey, there are no mosquitoes. Go back to sleep." This time her slumber lasted a half hour. This time Daddy had gone missing and we could not find him. "Honey, daddy is very asleep in our bed. He is fine. Now go back to sleep. You need to be well rested for your first day of school!" She went back to sleep after a bit more reassuring.

My slumber ended there. My alarm went off about a half hour later. I laid in bed and prayed for my daughter. I didn't know if she was anxious or just excited or maybe it was the brownie she had at 7:00p.m. before bed. Whatever it was, I was frustrated that she didn't get a good night's sleep the day before school. Regardless, I woke her about 7:00a.m. and we started our day together.

I made her and me breakfast and we talked all about her first day. Parents were able to stay for an hour to get their child situated. Thank goodness. She needed me for at least that long. (NOT!) I had ironed her uniform the night before and had already made her lunch. Her brother woke about 20 minutes before departure time. We all ate. We all brushed teeth and we all yawned as we got in the car. We hit bad traffic right away. Of course. Then daddy almost got in a wreck in front of us as we were taking 2 cars. Thank you Lord that you helped me to get out of bed and cover this day in prayer before it began!! My son cried most of the way to the school as I had not allowed him to climb into his carseat by himself. I tried to nicely explain that we have started a new "schedule" and it did not include him doing things slowly by himself. (It sounds horrible just typing that. I have adjusted the schedule tomorrow to accommodate traffic and brothers and their carseats. So that puts me waking about 4:30 a.m.)

As we arrived at the school daddy was busy snapping pictures. I think we could actually make a cartoon if we put the pictures in a pile. He snapped like every 2 seconds. I think he was a little excited and proud of his little girl! My son did not want to keep up and found several thing to play with that simply would not fit in the schedule. I tell you what, If I want to make it anywhere on time he just must be carried!

My daughter's classroom was organized chaos. All of the parents were busy labeling their child's school supplies. We were to put pencils, markers and crayons in their pencil box that the teacher labeled with their names. The rest of the supplies were piled or placed at various stations around the room. The whole time that I was working with my daughter a little boy named Samuel who sits at her table, had his mom talking at him (not to him, at him) a million miles an hour in Korean. It did not seem to bother my daughter. She was just excited to open and close her pencil box. Tears filled my eyes as we emptied all of our Target bags. All of my preparing was done. All of my coaching like, "Eat your lunch. Bring home your lunch bag. Don't talk in class. Make sure to wash your hands after you go potty" was over. I had done all that I could do and now I had to, gulp, leave.

It was time for the parents to bid adieu to their little ones. My daughter had already said goodbye to me several times before the teacher was ready to dismiss the parents. "Just a second. Mommy can stay one more minute." She was ready, I didn't have a choice. My son had been ready to leave the second we got to the school. "I want to go home," was all that I heard besides all of the Korean that I could not understand. My head was spinning. My mind was racing and I had to leave my precious gem in classroom with 12 little boys and 5 other girls. I cried a bit on the way to the car until my son looked at me and said, "It is just me and you and daddy." I think he was just as excited about my daughter going to school as she was.

It has been eerie in my house today. It was so quiet I had to turn on the tv. My daughter is definitely the life of my every day party. My son and I enjoyed a quiet lunch and played together just the two of us. I got a lot done around my house. Boy, what a change.

I don't have a scripture today, just a principle. The only way that I was able to relax today is knowing that I had prayed and committed my daughter to the Lord today. He was in control. He is watching her. He is sustaining her. I felt more burdened than ever before to pray for my kids. I can't waste any time. Prayer for our families is so important, and not just when they are getting ready to start school. I need to be praying for my children daily. Every day! The same should be true for my spouse! I was just overwhelmed with the responsibility that I have as a mom and a wife to keep my family covered in prayer.

I had some warriors praying for me today as I took a big step into a new season. Thanks for your prayers! Prayer works. I want to see a worn spot on my carpet from my consistent prayer life! Help me Lord. Help me to maintain consistency in my prayers. Not because I have to, but because I desperately need to!

Quiet Time

Ahhh. This morning my husband blessed me with a wonderful gift. He decided to take the kids to a movie. It had been stormy all night and the rain had continued into the morning. After several days of excessive heat warnings and cabin fever, the kids were excited. I think I was actually more excited. What would I do with 2 hours of quiet time in my own house?

After getting the kids in the car and kissing their cheeks, I headed inside. I picked up a few dishes and kind of wandered around. What should I do? It was weird. I did not know what to do with myself. I could clean but I felt like that would be a complete waste of good time! :) I did decide that making my bed was okay, while I decided to figure out what I would do. After I made my bed I sat down and just listened to a CD I had put a few moments before. I had listened to this particular CD several times before. For some reason, though, I just soaked it in. I closed my eyes and really focused. Wow. I actually was able to process something. I wasn't interrupted by a fight (which is common in my home these days) or a "Mom, I need help." I just completely immersed myself in the music and peace. What a blessing peace is.

If you are anything like me, music helps keep you sane. However, my children have realized that there are CDs made especially for kids. Every time we get in the car I hear, "We want to listen to our songs." My car used to be sort of my hideaway during a difficult day. Not any more with songs like, "The Crashing Dinosaurs" or "Birthday Party at Your Place" or "Let's See if We Can Scream One More Time" or "Eat spaghetti Eddie" or "The Song With Only 5 Words that Lasts 5 Minutes." Yes, I made up all of those titles but I am quite sure someone could come up with music and lyrics that my kids would love and I would despise. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for Kid's Praise Music that teaches my kids how to worship. However, the problem that these CDs cause is that my kids fight over who gets to be the "rock star." If my son is singing he quickly pauses and screams "No! I'm singing" at his sister before joining the song again at the chorus. My daughter then just sings louder so she can't hear her brother singing. Ugh. I'd be better off rolling down the windows and letting the sound of traffic in!

Yes, 30 minutes of my music with no interruptions was fantastic. Listening to worship music is one of my sacred pathways. If you have not read the book, "Sacred Pathways" I highly recommend it. It talks about the ways each of us as individuals relate to God and best hear him. I would have to say that usually the Megaphone and Flashing Billboard get my attention, but sometimes like today it is the peace that reassures me that I have a savior who loves me. Thanks God for peace. Thank you that you not only give us your peace, You are the gift of Peace. Help me to grab hold of the peace you offer so when my world seems to clang with the issues of life, I would easily hear your still small voice.

Vacation

Ah. Vacation. We just recently returned from a fabulous vacation to Kansas. Some of you might be thinking that fabulous and Kansas don't belong in the same sentence but my sister and her husband found a great little spot that is pretty close to paradise. They live in a suburban-like neighborhood but have rolling hills (yes, in Kansas) just a quick jog away. Okay, yes I started jogging again. I went with my brother-in-law up these rolling hills on our vacation and I had to intercede for myself the whole way! But I loved it!

Vacation is so necessary. It is the returning home that I don't care for. On the way to Kansas the fun little game of, "Are we there yet?" is exciting and cute. On the way home it is more of the, "Don't ask me again, I said!" sort of feeling. The laundry and housecleaning, cooking and errands all seem to overwhelm when the garage door goes up after returning home from vacation. Back to the daily grind. Literally for me because I drink my lattes every morning!

The thing that I always find difficult on vacation is bible reading and prayer. Who wants to set an alarm to get up early on vacation? With all of the fun activities I know that my quiet time goes to the back burner. "I'm on vacation, God. I'll be back next Wednesday and I will meet with you then." Just typing that out was painful. I'm not thinking that God is really down with that, do you? I wonder if my return trip would have been filled with more patience and less frustration if I didn't cross out God on my vacation? (I have been thinking that I should write a book entitled, "God on Vacation" filled with short devotions that would fit in to our busy vacation schedules. If I write it, you have to buy it!)

When I sat down to do my devotions today it was difficult. It was like trying to ride a bike that has sat dusty in the garage all winter. It takes a lot more effort, a little more elbow grease and a lot more concentration than during the summer when you ride practically all day. (We just got our kids new bikes and watching them learn to ride is whole different blog! Pray for us!) What did I miss those couple days away from God. What might He have wanted to tell me that could have impacted my life even today? Maybe you think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill but I have lived the consequences of days spent apart from God. One day turns into three and before you know it priorities become completely mixed up. I know God knows my heart and my intentions but I seem to remember that good intentions don't really lead anywhere that I want to go.

All of this to say that I am SO VERY THANKFUL that God is faithful even when I am not. He never takes vacation Hallelujah and He is quick to forgive and restore. He spoke to me today, something that I am sure He has been trying to tell me for a week now. You see, I have been doing a bible study entitled, Believing God, and as part of that Bible study I was suppose to fast something. I was also suppose to wear a blue bracelet to remind me of that commitment. Guess what? My bracelet is waded up on my bathroom counter and my commitment to be positive for 30 days did not make it through 9 hours in the car with my kids on vacation. Now as I am starting over I read today that I was suppose to journal "God Stops" or ways that I am seeing God's presence in my day. I can't expect to see Him when I ain't lookin'! (Sorry about the grammar there but it just seemed to get my point across better!)

Anyway, today I found myself overwhelmed, underfed spiritually, alone and just plain in the mully grubs. I talked with my husband about it, complained to God and wasn't the greatest mom to my kids. I took my kids to library and had forgotten my library card. The kids were crying and I was trying to talk on my cell phone. I couldn't hear and they didn't care. I got off the phone and out of my car and just wanted throw in the towel. Just then, as my son walked ahead of me and my daughter behind she said, "Hey mom, I just want you to know that I am here. I know that you can't see me right now because I am behind you, but I want you to know that I am here." Even though my daughter said those words to me, I knew that God was speaking them right along with her. I know that God goes before us, but his word also says that he follows behind. Just like my daughter was doing. I couldn't see God or hear Him but He wanted me to know that He was the I AM. The God who is constantly and presently being.

Thank you Lord that you never leave us. Thank you that you never take a long weekend or a day off. Help me, Lord as I try to reprioritize after leaving you by the highway while I traveled on down the road. Thank you that you speak to us and reveal yourself to us as long as we can STOP long enough to see you. Continue to speak, continue to show your self to me. Help me where I am weak and weary. Help me to trust in your strength and not my own!